Happy Halloween

For those who were not there we went to a bitchin’ Halloween party on Saturday night. A huge mansion on a hill in Bay View was decorated inside and out for the festivities. (FYI you know you are headed to a good party when there is a port-a-potty in the driveway) 3 kegs, numerous bowls of various kinds of punch, and an open bar…I’m set. Is there a more beautiful phrase in the English language than “open bar”? I defy anyone to concoct a phrase that brings more joy to hearts of more people, good times, good times. Beautiful ladies and a cool DJ made for a fun night

Anyway, for this festival I donned a store-bought prisoner outfit and complemented it with a suit coat and a tie. All of this was topped off with a “Hello, my name is…Scooter” tag. Yes, I dressed as Scooter Libby for Halloween. It was funny, topical, and had a shelf life of about 30 minutes. My geekdom knows no bounds.

Let's play our game

Wink: Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together because it's time to play the east side's favorite game show...

WHERE THE FUCK DID I PARK MY CAR?!?

(Thunderous applause)

Our first contestant is a 28 year-old teacher from Webster Place who enjoys homebrewing and long walke on the beach. Ladies and gentlemen give a warm welcome to Jim Warren.

(Thunderous applause)

Me: Thank you, thank you Wink.

Wink: Lets get down to it Jim, where do you usually park your car?

Me: Well Wink I like to park in front of my building but those spots go really fast, so sometimes I end up on Prospect or Stowell. And if those spots are taken I can always find a slot in the alley between Stowell and Downer.

Wink: Pretty typical experience for an east sider, and is your car in any of those places this morning?

Me: No it isn't Wink

Wink: So are you ready to play our game?

Me: Let's do it Wink

Wink: Okay Jim, to start we need to hear the most commonly heard phrase on the east side next to "woooo!".

Me: Okay Wink, WHERE THE FUCK DID I PARK MY CAR?!?

(Thunderous applause)

Wink: We'll find out after these messages.

Haiku!!

Gators bring tears
blue and orange make me hurl
no roses this year

World's largest outdoor cocktail party

I hate Florida. I really, really hate Florida. Anytime I see blue and orange together I retch. If Georgia went 1-11 I would be happy if the one win was against Florida. If there were a presidential race between Adolph Hitler and “legendary” coach Steve Spurrier I would volunteer for Der Furher’s campaign. What I’m trying to say is I hate Florida. Compounding my hate is the command that the Gators have had against my precious Dawgs in recent years. Scuttling one national championship season after another. Hopes are high today as the Dawgs are unbeaten and ranked #4. My worry is that Back-up QB Joe T. will not be able to handle the pressure.

Excuse me as I cut this short to watch the game, and turn down the sound so as to listen to Larry Munson over the net.

Hunker down dirty Dawgs!! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!!

Indictment fever baby!

Scooter Scooter Scooter. Today would be a good time to heed the advice of the lawyer who makes a cameo appearance in “Office Space”, and gives us some advice about federal, fuck me in the ass prison. ”Kick somebody’s ass on the first day, or become someone’s bitch”. True dat Scooter, and watch the ol’ corn chute.

Harriett go bye bye

Dear Diary:

Today I lost my bestest friend in the whole wide world, all becase kongres said she was unqal...unqualef...unqulaf, hasent done enuf stuff. The konservetives, those people who talk about Jeeses all the time, well they said that she dident talk about Jeeses enuf. And the Dumbacrats(hee-hee)said she was just a croniee who dident know a lotta stuff. Harriett said that she dident want the job, but I held my breth until she sad yes, I turned reel blue too! Yesterday Grampa Cheney said that she wasent going to get the job and she needed to go away. I cried and cried reel long until Grampa called Uncle Rummy who spanked me until my but turned red. Now I need to find somebody to go to the supreemee court, and Grampa says that they need to talk about Jeeses alot. Oh boy! Auntie Condee says I can go play now. Gotta go

Your friend,

Georgie

We're here! We're the WNBA! Get used to it!

Houston Comets star Sheryl Swoopes has just come out of the closet as a lesbian. Mazel tov Sheryl, and in your decision to come out I think we may have found a way to market the WNBA. Think about it, a group of Amazonian black women working together, playing together, even…showering together. Oh yes, I imagine they would need lots of soap. Ooh right there. What’s that, you can’t reach? Let her help you. No no no, not too fast, enjoy it, it feels good. That’s right it’s totally natural. Now you take that sponge and rub her right there, oooohhh yeah…WHACK!!! Anyway…yes, new marketing concept for the WNBA, think of the DVD sales!

2000

Today the death toll among U.S. soldiers serving in Iraq hit 2000. Two thousand American men and women have died in a conflict founded on false pretenses, with no goals or direction whatsoever, and no end in sight. No punch line, just think about it.

Fitzmas

Special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has opened up his own web site with the purpose of making announcements, and posting documents. With the investigation ending this week why would there be any need for such a setup unless there are some indictments. Rove, Libby, dare I dream...Cheny (there have been rumblings) I'm starting to get giddy. Anyway this is like a large box with your name on it appearing under the tree a few days before Christmas, just the thing to get you in the holiday spirit. Fa la la la!

1-5, not alive

For those of you wondering that grey pall hanging over America's Dairyland today is reality. A pernicious reality that like a fog snuck in from the lake, and blanketed every farmhouse, schoolhouse, and tavern in the state. A fog that ironically allowed people to see what was real all along...not only are the Packers not going to make the playoffs this year, but the team is so broken that it will take a top to bottom, multi-year overhaul for them to be competitive again.

For many years now there has been this illusion that somehow Brett Favre alone could lead the Pack back to the promised land. But Moses has been wandering the desert for many years because it seems that the Israelites can't play defense. Not only is a super bowl not in the offing for this year, but the Pack's chances for one anytime this decade seem as distant and cold as any woman I've ever dated. It is Ironic that the symbolic end of the Favre era came to be one of his best games in years, which is why I have a radical idea...trade Brett.

Assuming that he does not want to retire, and still wants another shot at a ring, a the end of the season trade him to some up-and-coming team looking for veteran leadership and take unproven talent in return. Keep him this season so he can continue to tutor Aaron Rodgers, then let Aaron take most of the snaps. It is time to face the fact that if the Packers are going to be competive anytime in the near future it will be with Rodgers at the helm not Favre. Move up in the draft and start thinking defense. And finally, fire Sherman. The man has taken this team as far as he can (nowhere) and he needs to go.

Then and only then can this statewide instution have a shot at reliving its glory days. As for myself, my precious Falcons don't play until tonight when once again the entire season will rest on Michael Vick's knee.

Fucking kids

Ya'know, I get paid very well for what I do, after all there is very little substintive stuff in my job. So when people ask me what I do to earn my bi-weekly remittance the answer is simple...I have to deal with teenagers. And today I earned every godamn penny and then some. Did I have a tough day? Let me put it this way, it's days like this that push my liver to have a drinking problem independent of my own. The kind of day that leaves you asking about the price of vasectomies. Eighth grade English today, 8 straight peroids of bratty snot-nosed 13-year olds. The way I figure it I can get away with beating the shit out of a student once in my career. I can beg for mercy and be allowed to keep my job...once. The question becomes who is worth that one shot? Now, more drinking.

History Guy

This is a shameless plug for a friend of mine. Christopher Miller, who lives across the alley from me, is the new "History Guy" for the Shepherd Express. (the local free weekly for those who do not live in Milwaukee) I say new even though he is the first. Anyway he takes questions on local history and writes about them in his new column whis is pretty interesting. Check it out.

They're a comin'

Anyone who does not believe that we are headed full steam towards a theocracy check this out. Several Christian groups are banding together to urge congress to "curtail" the actions of the ACLU. Think about this for a minute. Religous organizations are asking congress to watch over, and curb the rights of other Americans.

Whatever your feelings towards the ACLU (I'm a fan) this should send shivers down your spine. Because these people are not talking about fighting the ACLU on the merits of several cases but they are actually challenging the ACLU's right to exist at all. I should not have to remind anybody that the cornerstone of our democracy, and indeed our very society is the freedom to disagree and fight what we deem as unjust. The drive to eliminate a group's rights simply because of what they believe is a frightening new twist in the rules of public debate in this country.

While this is the work of fringe, militant Christians, it would be folly to dismiss them altogether. It is important to remember that these are the people who form the base of the Republican Party, and their infulence is growing. I don't think that this particular drive is going to end anywhere productive for them but who knows where this will lead in 10-15 years. Up to now we have been fighting to remain free from forced religious expressions, we may soon have to fight for the simple right to remain non-religous.

The Conservative Christian movement is making a dangerous turn, and it will take the Republican Party with it. So much so that we may be on the cusp of a major political realignment in this country. Many of my friends who consider themselves to be social libertarians will find that they are incresingly uncomfortable in the ranks of the Republican party, as the forces of evangelical Christanity continue to march in a schorched earth campagin.

Nobody knows when the next Joe McCarthy will raise theur head, but I can make one prediction: the next Joe McCarthy will have the title "Reverend" before their name.

Happy thoughts...happy thoughts...I SAID HAPPY THOUGHTS DAMMIT!

Any true Braves fan had already anticipated the outcome of this afternoon’s 18-inning marathon long before its inevitable end. Years of soul-crushing post-season defeats teach you to be prepared. Accordingly household guns were pre-loaded with blanks, and all the pills in the medicine cabinet were replaced with harmless placebos. I have no razors in the house but I went so far as to put my Norelco in a safety deposit box at the bank. Too much you say? Braves fans can be determined…very determined. Unless there’s traffic, then usually we’re gone by the seventh inning stretch.

I'm sick of Summer

This is absurd. The high was 85 degrees today here in Milwaukee. While not as bad as it was during the dog days, that is way too fucking hot for the first week of October. I'ts supposed to be cool now, refreshing, invigorating. Instead we are stuck in the same hot, humid pattern that we have been in since May. The forecasts have been reduced to nothing but teases...this week will be the one when it finally gets cool, no this one, no this one, really, this week is it.

I'm ready to wear long sleeves again. I'm ready for a blanket of white silence to coat the earth again. Tomorrow is supposed to max out in the fifties, but I am not holding my still invisible breath.