Chances are that if you are reading this you already know me. But if you are a stranger and you are looking for left-of-center political opinions, rambling, senseless rants, and coverage of the Atlanta Braves that can only be described as severely manic-depressive...Welcome!!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Best. Classified. Ad. Evar!!!

From the Herald of Randolph, VT.

"Do you wake up in the morning getting high? Do you think you can make a career out of getting high? Do you work well while high? Do you have higher aspirations for getting high? Are you looking for a higher salary? If so, come get high with Chimney Savers, 728-3900. Call the office for higher employment to reach new heights."


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

If you see this man

There is probably some rule around here about calling for the murder of another human being, and far be it from me to break blogging etiquette. Nevertheless if you see this man; Braves "closer" Bob Wickman and you accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake, or your finger has a mild spasam whilst sitting on a trigger of some sort...well. I can't promise you payment or any sort of tit-for-tat exchange, Let's just say I will be greatful and we'll leave it at thet.

What does a hitman go for these days anyway?

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I has a fishy

His name is Commander Sakana B. Fishy of the First Order of the Knights of the Living Room, Defender of the Surround Sound Speaker, Earl of the Bookcase.

His friends call him Sakana-Chan but all others must address him as Commander Fishy. Salute!!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Chipper McNuggets

From time to time I have thoughts that do not warrent a whole post on their own. I call them Chipper McNuggets...Enjoy

-Skip Caray rocks. There will be no debating this.

-When it comes to the Brewers I am by no means a bandwagon fan. I remember when John Jaha and Greg Vaughn were thought to be the second coming of Yount and Molitor. I remember Hideo Nomo’s cameo appearance in a Brewer uniform. And I was there that opening day when Major League Baseball found out that it’s a bad idea to give 50,000 drunk people free baseballs. Here’s a handy little litmus test to find out if somebody is a bandwagon fan or not, ask them if they know who the “Thunder From Down Under” was. If they give you a blank stare they’re a bandwagon fan.

-This is not to say that I am forsaking my longstanding allegiance to the Braves, far from it! I have been up and down on the Bravos rollercoaster with everyone else this season. And I would like to congratulate Andruw Jones for finally finding the broad side of the barn. As for what will happen should the Braves and Brewers meet in the playoffs? I plan on stocking my apartment with a month’s supply of beer and locking the door until it’s all over.

-I believe that one must be a pessimist in order to be a true Braves fan. My buddy Andrew disagrees. He is a relentlessly positive, glass half-full kind of person when it comes to baseball. Whenever we talk he is always pointing out that this player is doing awesome, that this guy is really starting to come around, and that this is a sign that the good times are right around the corner. I, on the other hand, firmly believe that to be a Braves fan one must first accept the fact that God hates you and shits on all of your endeavors. Then and only then may you pick up a tomahawk.

-Can somebody explain Dane Cook to me?

-Like swallows to Capistrano I too must migrate from time to time. I am headed back east in August at the behest of my mother as there is a family reunion. Now I am nominally closer to my father’s family as there has always been greater geographic proximity. But this time I am diving into my mother’s end of the gene pool where everyone is very beautiful, very wealthy, and very religious. It’s like a walking talking J Crew ad with crucifixes. Oh well, a free weekend at the Cape is a free weekend at the Cape. Plus we’re Irish so at least there will be booze everywhere.

-On September 10 Rudy Giuliani was a punch line, now he’s the second coming of Ronald Regan. How desperate is the Republican party?

-Unlike my other leftist compatriots I do not think that the President should be impeached. It is a meaningless endeavor, and a vindictive waste of time that won’t improve a goddamn thing. That being said with the bar for impeachment set at lying about a hummer, the Dear Leader should be looking at spending his golden years in the Supermaxx and not the ranch.

-Speaking of hummers, god I miss Bill Clinton. Seriously the world was at peace, Americans were liked, the economy was chugging along, gas was a buck-thirty a gallon, and I’m pretty sure the sky was bluer too.

-Barry Bonds kiss my ass.

-So Becks and Posh are crossing the pond, and I for one am so excited that my nipples could cut glass. Beckam playing for the Galaxy is supposed to elevate soccer into America’s prime-time sports pantheon. Just like when Pele joined the now defunct NASL back in the 70’s, or when the Arena Soccer League started, or when the U.S. hosted the World Cup, or when the MLS was founded, or when…you know what, just applaud politely and go back to what you were doing. Meanwhile I am petitioning cable providers to give Major League Lacrosse it’s own network. Join me!

-Sadist, sa'dist n. See: City of Milwaukee department of parking enforcement.

-Scenario 1. Both Ron and Hermione die. Harry defeats and kills Voldemordt but his joy is short lived as he soon learns that his two closest friends did not survive the battle. While the wizarding world celebrates Harry settles into a hermitic life as the new defense against the dark arts teacher at Hogwarts, forever to be haunted by his traumatic past.

-Scenario 2. (How I would do it) Harry defeats Voldemort but he is mortally wounded in the battle. During the course of the novel a subplot develops where Harry and Hermione become closer much to Ron’s consternation. At the end we are transported several years into the future to the Weasley house were Ron and Hermione care for their children who all have red hair and freckles except for the oldest who has dark hair, glasses and a mysterious scar-like birthmark.

-No matter what Voldemort must die as the triumph of good over evil is a central theme throughout the series.

-Also Dumbledore is alive. You heard it here first.

-I have not had a good peach since I left Georgia. Seriously what the hell is up with peaches in this part of the country? Either they are made out of construction quality steel or they were harvested sometime during the Nixon administration and they just now made it to the produce section of the Pic N’ Save. Nothing in between. The worst part is I keep falling for the promises, I see the sign that says “tree ripe” and I dive in not knowing that what they are really selling is spherical lumps of dark matter. I don’t want to power an interstellar starship I want a goddamn piece of fruit!! Is that so hard for these Yankees to understand? After seeing what they did to BBQ should I really be surprised?

-A Brave may not advance to first on a single until Skip Caray has graciously allowed them to leave the batters box.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Sometimes I love being a teacher

Admission to Summerfest-$15

Shuttle from local bar to Summerfest-$3

Beer at Summerfest-$4

The look on my student's faces after I agree to buy them a beer and before they realize I'm jerking them around-Priceless