Holy holy holy

The mold on my shower curtain has grown in such a manner as it now vaguely resembles the Virgin Mary. Who do I call? Is there an agent who handles things like this? How do I get the coverage that the grilled cheese sandwich got, or the spaghetti billboard that looked like Jesus? This is my ticket to early retirement, I need to do this right.

The best part about religious people is that they almost always have more money then common sense, but I don't want to throw the curtain up on eBay just yet. I'm thinking 15 bucks to get in, $25 to take a picture, and finally, the piece de restiance, for $50 you can take a leak while the mother of Christ watches you!

I may be going to hell, but I'm going there in my own yacht!!

Age of Aquarius

It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Gonna party like it's my birthday! At 2:35 pm EST I officially turn the big 2-9, a small milestone but one year short of the big milestone. It is that milestone that I will never reach because I have reached an executive decision that this will be my last birthday. Next year at this time I will celebrate my return to 28. How will I pull it off? As of now I have no idea, but we are working tirelessly here at Murray Hill labs towards this end.

As for today there will be singing and dancing, and of course the requisite spontaneous demonstrations of joy from the peasantry. All while I celebrate Roman bacanalia style. Sobriety is not a priority for today.

So what do I want here on this glorious day? Well my birthday wishes are pretty simple: World peace, adoption by Bill Gates, a Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion, Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff naked, and mud 'rasslin here in le maison, and a World Series Championship for the Atlanta Braves. Some will be easier to achieve then others. Getting the Israelis and Palestinians to agree is nothing compared to getting the Bravos past the first round of the playoffs!

'Bout blody time

3-5 inches expected tonight. This winter has been absurd thus far. We went straight from indian summer into a deep freeze, and for the last month or so we have basically moved on to spring.

But that ends tonight as once again the earth will be enclosed in a blanket of gentle white silence as it should be this time of year. There is something unmittigatingly ugly about bare ground in January. Brown lawns, bare trees and those unsightly piles of snow exiled to the corner of parking lots reminders of a lost season, long turned black by the exhaust of a million SUVs.

This is also good because one of the gifts I received when I went back to the Parental Estate for the holidays was an inflatable snow tube. Like any small child I have been fantasizing about taking it down the hill by the North Ave. water tower. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to do that.

Says it all

Na na na na...

I was awoken at 2:30 this AM by the sound of a tow truck. BTW, why is it that everyone with a diesel engine in Southeastern Wisconsin feels the need to idle beneath my bedroom window? Anyway the truck was there for the piece-of-shit Nissan driven by my upstairs neighbor Ryan. I thought about running upstairs to alert Ryan to this but his state-of-the art sound system has been pissing me off lately, plus two days ago I saw him by the mailboxes, I smiled politely and said hello but he ignored me. So I watched in full schadenfreudic glory as the driver removed the tickets from the windshield and hooked up the car. This is the beautiful thing about not believing in god, since there is no hell to be dammed to you can be a major asshole anytime you feel like it! Very liberating.

Plus, fucknuts upstairs is a Yankee fan. Those people deserve everything that comes to them.

Bra of mystery

When snow and ice retreat they sometimes leave behind interesting things; cavemen, the Great Lakes, lingerie. Such was the case here in the greater Murray Hill, Lake Park, North Avenue, UWM metropolitan area when we were hit with a mid-winter thaw.

When the snow melted on the edge of the street across from le maison du Chipper it did not reveal any bodies of water nor any spear-holding hunters named Og. What it did reveal was a bra, a black bra, and one would assume a woman's bra but one cannot be 100% sure on that front. That bra has been there ever since. It shifts position occasionally, as it is run over several times a day, it has now drifted down the street closer to Stowell but it is still visible from my front window. Still plastered to the asphalt, with nobody willing to touch it.

Still many questions remain; whose bra is it? How did it get there? Why wasn't I watching when it happened?

Keeping score

For those who are interested the light in my kitchen is still off. Laziness rules!!!

Everybody gets their kicks

I love this story.

Sometimes there is so much bad news in the world that you just can't stomach it; war, corruption, the Republican party. But every now and then something pops up in the news and you can't help but smile, like this for example...

Over New Year's weekend the Disney World resort in Orlando hosted a soccer tournament for kids 13 and younger. Teams from all over the country converged on a Crowne Plaza hotel just outside the land of the mouse, but they were not the only large group booked during that period. A large swingers convention was also taking place at the same time. Now we all learn early on that its important to share, and sometimes in life you have to share a hotel with 200 swingers. Hey, those are the brakes.

Well sharing is a virtue that seemed to have been lost on many of the soccer moms and dads. Apparently many of the parents complained that there was a great deal of "immoral behavior" taking place at the hotel. Men and women were running around the public areas "flashing their breasts and exposing their buttocks" There were even reports of a large naked dance party taking place inside one of the hotel ballroms. One parent remarked "we expected to go to Orlando, not the Las Vegas strip." In all fairness you have to pay to watch that kind of behavior in Vegas. New Orleans used to provide you with those kinds of freebees, but nowadays the only thing that women on Burbon Street are exposing their breasts for are national guardsmen carrying extra MREs.

Getting back to the swinging soccer tourney, Where did Orlando get the rep for being such a clean town? It is in Florida after all, America's schlong. Plus after they get off the set all those Disney characters have got to blow off steam somehow. Take Donald for example, ignoring the whole no pants thing (hey, sometimes you just gotta be free) Donald is a sailor, and when he goes on shore leave...look out. Mickey and Minnie have been into S & M since the 40's, and Goofy...well the court papers are a matter of public record. Even Shamu, across town, has been known to get a dirty sanchez on occasion.

One interesting item in this is that all the complaints came from the parents, the kids seem to be silent on the subject. That is because no pree teen in their right mind would complain about a bunch of naked people running around. If you have a 13 year-old boy, and he is upset because someone is showing their tits...get him help.

Update

For those of you that are counting the light in my kitchen is still burned out, but that did not stop me from baking a pizza in there tonight. I went so far as to check if here were any bulbs available here in le maison, there are.

In related news the left headlight on the Kimchee-Powered Love Machine has also gone out. But this will have a swift resolution, last night while waiting at a red light a cop pulled up beside me and said I needed to replace it. Desire not to get a ticket motivated me to stop by the NAPA on Capitol this evening where I purchased a new bulb, which will be installed post haste.

Explain this to me

I think we're starting a rather long list here.

I watch a lot of TV, more specifically I watch a lot of basic cable, which means that I see a lot of bad commercials. None worse at the current moment then the incessant ads for the Kidz Bop CDs. If you are not familiar with the concept let me fill you in.

Kidz Bop is children singing top 40 songs...that's it. You are basically plunking down 20 bucks to listen to a bunch of 10 year-olds sing karaoke. Because to fully comprehend the angst and ennui that is contained in your average Green Day song you need to hear it sung by somebody who has yet to be visited by the pubic hair fairy.

The most distressing part about all this is that the version they keep hawking on my TV is Kidz Bop 8. Meaning that they made enough money on Kidz Bops 1-7 that they got the band back together for an eighth album. (in all fairness I heard that the European tour was bitchin') This of course naturally begs the question...WHO THE FUCK IS BUYING ALL THIS CRAP?!?

I have a bold proposal to make, a proposal that will change the way we see and handle money. We start with mandatory IQ tests for every man woman and child in this country, and if you score below a pre-determined cutoff point then you get a special kind of money, Dumb People Dollars or DPD. We are talking about a whole new currency with new designs and everything. And the first face that we're putting on the DPD is that mongoloid teenager from Florida (they're always from Florida) who thought it would be fun to go to Iraq! I hereby declare Farris Hassan to be the George Washington of the retards.

I digress, DPDs would have the same value as regular dollars execpt that when they are handed over to somebody of normal intelligence they automatically lose half their value (I'm not sure how this could be pulled off, we're still working out the kinks here at Murray Hill Labs) The result of this would be that the sheer amount of crap marketed to dumb people would plummet. No more Kidz Bop, no more Ronco, no more home hair cutting devices, and no more of anything endorsed by Anna Nicole Smith. We would have peace in our time.

The DPD is the future of commerce in this country, so get behind it. Call your congressman, make it a reality, stop the bloody Kidz Bop commercials!!

Swing and a miss from Leines

From time to time I need to have things explained to me. Cricket, for example. But no matter how much earnest people try to pour knowledge into my special ed. brain, I continue to fail to grasp major concepts (see cricket again)

Another prime example of this would be Leinenkugels apple spice beer, I don't get it. Now I am normally a BIG fan of everything that comes out of Chippewa Falls, but I have tried this apple spice stuff and I am, to say the least, underwhelmed. Adding to my confusion is the fact that everyone I run into is raving about it. This is not the first time I have been on the outside looking in on major trends in pop culture. It has now been years since it disappeared from the screen, and I still do not see what was so great about the X Files.

I don't get it. I like beer (duh) and I like apple pie, so why does this taste like Dick's grandmother threw up into a bottle?

Monday morning quarterback

In a move that even Stevie Wonder saw coming, Mike Sherman got the ax today as head coach of the Green Bay Packers. Now the entire cheesehead nation waits on pins and needles to see if Brett Favre will follow through on his threat to retire if Sherman was no longer the coach. Umm Brett here's a number for you to jot down, 435-7502 the number for U-Haul in Green Bay, which is conveniently located next to the Greyhound station, hint hint.

Since the day Mike Holmgren bought a raincoat and shuffled off to Seattle, Packers fans have been living in a delusional dream world that makes the magical land of OZ look like the intersection of 20'th and Center. Somehow there was this notion year in and year out that the Packers were really a Superbowl caliber team and all they needed was a little tweaking in order to get them moving in the right direction. If this season proved anything it is that the Packers are a bad team in desperate need of a top to bottom overhaul, and yes fellow cheeseheads that means sending Brett back to Mississippi.

This is not to take anything away from Brett's fabulous career. He is a sure-fire, first ballot hall of famer, and he will be remembered as one of the great quarterbacks of all time. However what he is not, is someone who can muscle a team back into the NFL playoffs. It's time for Brett to bow out gracefully, hand the reigns over to Aaron Rodgers, and take a seat next to Terry Bradshaw on Sunday mornings.

Thompson and co. have a lot of work ahead of them, for there are no quick fixes here. They need to adapt a long-term outlook and start building not towards 2006 but rather 2007, 2008, or even 2009. On the bright side all those who are on the season ticket waiting list should get a boost. It looks as if you may have just moved up a couple of years in line.

Happy New Year!

Jesus Christ, I can't believe I drank the whole thing!
And how the fuck did my pants get so dirty?