Na na na na. Na na na na....

Psycho-Christian Republicans make the best prison bitches. Note to DeLay, don't drop the soap!!!

Playoff bound, again

And the Atlanta Braves are your 2005 National League East champions!!! Go on, and spray the champagne and run naked in the streets. So what if it has been a foregone conclusion for more than a month now, go crazy baby!!! Seriously though this one means more then any other division title in the amazing 14-year run, because this year they had faced more adversity then ever. With so many of the big names off to other teams, and a lineup full of rookies and has-beens, this should have been it, this should have been the end. The Bravos should have been happy just to reach .500 this year. Then came the injuries. Chipper went down, Hampton went down Kolb had a meltdown, soon it was just Andruw, grandpa,(Julio Franco) and a bunch of kids who don’t remember life before the internet. The one constant through all this has been Bobby Cox. Despite countless lineup changes, payroll cutbacks and a never-ending stream of washed up has-beens, Cox has taken it all and just won, year in and year out. On ESPN.com yesterday Jayson Stark wrote a big piece that called Bobby Cox the best manager in baseball…ever. I’m inclined to agree.

Doing a heck of a job Brownie

Watching former FEMA director Michael Brown testifying on the hill. Un-fuckin’-believable, the buck is getting passed more than a bong at a high school kegger. Predictably he laid all of the blame at the feet of local officials, because as director of FEMA this was really outside his area. Besides anybody truly in danger would just gas up the Explorer and drive to the country house, so what’s all the fuss?

I feel bad for Brownie, I really do. When the Dear Leader appointed him FEMA director (really a step down from the Arabian Horse Association) he wasn’t expecting to do any real work. After all in the post-9/11 world what are the chances of a major disaster striking on American soil? Of course the odd tornado will wipe out a trailer park here and there, but there are low-level staffers to deal with that. It’s not his fault that local officials didn’t do his job on top of their own. Now cut him a severance check already and send him off to Halliburton.

Still I remember when Chimpy stood in the Rose Garden a while back and said that he wasn’t interested in playing the “blame game”. Hmm, guess Brownie didn’t get that memo.

Fortune cookies

From time to time we all find ourselves asking the “big” questions. Why am I we here? What is the meaning of it all? What the hell are these fortune cookies doing in my fridge? It’s the latter that is driving me nuts at the moment.

Going back several months (possibly 6, 8, or more) three fortune cookies have been residing in my fridge. Not in some forgotten nether-region behind the maraschino cherries, and the now fossilized potato salad of whose name we dare not speak. Rather these oriental novelties have been sitting on the top left portion of the door, the first part of the fridge that you see when you open it. Like an absentee landlord who long ago stopped caring about collecting rent from his tenants, why do I let them stay? Even more why did I put them there in the first place? Was I afraid that they were going to go bad? Was I planning for a time when the Chinese delivery dude didn’t stick any in the bag? All this time thinking that when the bombs go off I’ll be the one to survive because I have three fortune cookies to provide me sustenance BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Every day, every time I go to the kitchen there they are, still in their clear plastic wrappers. Every time I curse myself for putting the milk jug back with less than a quarter inch at the bottom they mock me. Every time I reach for a beer they greet me with a solidly accented “harrow!” Well no more. Tonight I took them out of the fridge and put them in the …pantry. Either I am a seriously disturbed man, or these cookies really do hold the secret to the universe, possibly both. Stay tuned.

Cinco

The Bravos finally took one last night, coming on strong in the eighth to take the Marlins 4-3, and reducing the magic number to five

Coming down the stretch this year the Braves have certainly stumbled. The pitching has been good but not stellar, and the bats have simply been silenced. However I see a ray of hope in this and I will explain.

For most of their run the warriors of the Chattahoochee have been a September team, turning it on at the end of the season to win the division then falling flat in October. This year they are stumbling towards the playoffs looking more like the Devil Rays then the Yankees, and during the season they have certainly run hot and cold, moreso then in years past. My hope now is that we are seeing the slump before the storm. The Braves will win the division, it is too late for them to be caught, and perhaps this year the September swoon will mean that October will be the time when everything starts to click. Naïve? Possibly. But this is baseball, and that makes about as much sense as anything else.

Jeeeeeesssuusssssssss!!!

Fuck me!! did you see that?!? I think I'm still shaking. And that landing, center line all the way. Kudos to the crew for executing a flawless landing, although I doubt they will ever be able to wear the same pants again. Nevertheless next time I fly I want that pilot with his 40lb. cojones up front.

A bizarre twist to this story: one of the reasons I like JetBlue, besides the leather seats with relatively generous pitch(34')is the free satellite TV at every seat. People on the plane said that the system was on up to about 5 minutes prior to landing, and that they were following the story on all the cable news channels. That's worthy of a Twilight Zone episode right there.(paging Rod Serling) Plus 3 hours and 10 minutes just circling, I hope they opened up the bar.

On a lighter note: 3 hours and 10 minutes to go from Burbank to LAX? That's shitty even by L.A. standards.

P.S. As I mentioned earlier Larry King has no business being on the air during a Breaking News event. Unless Elizabeth Taylor, Fergie, and that blonde chick from Aruba are on the flight, give him the night off. C'mon CNN, suck it up and just pay Anderson Cooper and Aaron Brown the overtime. Fuck if it comes down to it, find Wolf Blitzer, pour a couple of Red Bulls down his throat and get his ass on the air!

Overload

I have a major paper to write tonight, so I am already in all-nighter mode. Add to this the situation with Hurricane Rita, and now there is a JetBlue A320 coming in for an emergency landing at LAX live on TV! My head is about to explode!!

P.S. As a note to the people at CNN: When there is breaking news, give Larry King the night off please.

6

The magic nuber is now six, cause I know y'all are keeping track. This is the point where you can say that it would take a collapse of historic proportions for the Bravos to fall.

Cleaning out my TIVO

After an insufferably hot summer the temperatures are finally dropping down to more reasonable highs, and leafs on the trees are beginning their fiery death march. All this of course means one thing…new shows on TV. Yeah I know I’m a poet at heart, but what can I say? Television is a drug and I need my fix dammit!!

Over the years however I have learned that my liking of a show is a kiss of death as evidenced by the season pass section of my TIVO. My TIVO is a veritable graveyard of failed high-minded concepts and B-level stars scratching for a comeback. Take last season for example: the NBC drama “LAX”…Heather Locklier and airplanes, how was this not a runaway ratings bonanza?!? “Jack and Bobby” was a little on the schlocky side but it had compelling story lines that kept me coming back week after week. “Desperate Housewives” made the cut but they are the exception that proves the rule.

I am reminded of this now as I clean out my TIVO to make room for new shows. It is a heart-wrenching project as every time the “Are you sure you want to erase” box appears on screen I am reminded of what could have been. Ahh “Clubhouse”, hold on…I need a moment, truly depressing work. This year I am going to try something new, I am going to keep my television preferences to myself. That way the network spies who watch my every move will have no idea what I like and dislike, and will be perplexed as how to fuck with me. I may even leave my TV on tuned to shows I despise to throw them off even further, giving my shows a fighting chance.

Now not all network execs are evil, Fox’s resurrection of “Family Guy” did partially restore my faith in humanity, but I am still hanging on for that big “Keen Eddie” comeback! No? How about a DVD then, c’mon gimme something.

10

This week the Braves dropped three to the Phillies, despite that the Bravos are still 4 and a half games in front in the NL East. and the magic number is now 10. Eat that haters!

I wish this were unbelieveable

It has been well documented (even by the man himself) that the Dear Leader does not read newspapers, watch television news, or is connected to the media in any way. Now I do not believe that reading the New York Times, or hell even the Washington Times, on a daily basis is a prerequisite for being president. But it is becoming evident that Chimpy is comically out of touch with the world, and relies on an increasingly smaller circle of advisors to keep him informed.

Today it has been widely reported (Time, Newsweek, NBC) that Georgie Boy did not believe the initial reports of the damage associated with Katrina and that advisors had to show him a compilation DVD of nightly newscasts and it was then, and only then he decided to cut his vacation short and personally attend to the disaster.

This speaks for itself, and it would actually be funny if this man were not the most powerful man in the world. If there were a “The Emperor Has No Clothes” moment this has to be it. And his tanking poll umbers reflect that.

An all-round disaster

It has now been two weeks since Hurricane Katrina slammed into the gulf coast, and I have yet to write anything on the subject since the day before the hurricane hit. I have not written anything because what can I say that hasn’t already been said. What can I write that can explain the images that we have all seen on our TVs? What can I post that would put it all into perspective…nothing. I have written and erased many pieces recently but have not published a one because there was nothing that could grasp the scope of either the disaster itself or the massive failure that followed.

As I write this it is believed that the death toll from this debacle may go as high as 10,000. Numbers that we normally associate with disasters in Bangladesh or Indonesia, places comfortably far away not only in distance but in every other respect as well. Numbers unprecedented in this or any other developed country. Close to ten thousand people, men women and children, Americans all, are not here today and for what reason? As much as we try to rationalize that number (as if rationalizing were possible) we must come to the conclusion that while the hurricane itself was a force of nature, blind in its fury, it’s victims are dead because of a grave sin. A sin of omission perperatrated by the very government they elected to protect them.

The further to the right you travel on the ideological spectrum the smaller the scope of the federal government becomes. But even the most strident libertarian will hold on to the idea that the primary focus of the federal government should be to protect its citizens. By any definition this government has failed on a most spectacular and shameful level. In failing to aid the people of the Gulf Coast in a timely manner this government has shamed us all.

I wish I could say that I was shocked by the intensity of the suffering, and the level of indifference and incompetence exerted by the authorities. I wish I could say that because if I were, then that would mean that there is some still some hope in me. That somewhere deeply buried in my subconscious is a belief that despite its flaws and disastrous policies this administration has the best interests of the American people at heart, it clearly does not. Anyone who doubts that statement should compare the rapidity of response to this disaster and the rapidity of response to a solitary comatose woman in Florida. Culture of life indeed.

It would be a mistake to inject (as many have) race into this debate. While most of the city of New Orleans is African American, the truth is that those who suffered in the city did so not because of the color of their skin but because of the size (or lack thereof) of their bank accounts. In the pictures from the Superdome and the convention center there were plenty of white faces that exerted all the same pain and anguish of the black faces. This disaster did not discriminate.

We have reached a point where the impoverished have passed every racial and ethnic minority to become the most oppressed class in this country. Weather that is good, bad, or indifferent is up to individual determination. But when the evacuation order was given those who could leave, black and white did. Those could not, black and white stayed, and therein lays the problem. These people, people who rent, people who toil for 60+ hours a week, people who ride the bus just don’t show up on this administration’s radar. Until, that is, it’s time to go to war, and then they are suddenly sold patriotism as if it were a commercial product. This is a separate topic, but why is it that those with the least to gain are asked to sacrifice the most for their country, but those with the most to gain aren’t asked to sacrifice at all. It is a point worth considering.

Another tragedy here is that there are many people in this country who are still blind to the scope of this disaster. They choose to point fingers at local officials ignoring the fact that it has always been the federal government that steps in and takes over in natural disasters such as this one. In talking about this tragedy I have heard friends who will discuss the looting and lawlessness after the storm, and nothing else. Implicitly stating that while the death of thousands of fellow citizens was merely a regrettable affair, the invasion of the sanctity of Wal-Mart was the true tragedy.

In the end New Orleans will come back. People will return, the dead will be buried, and soon Bourbon Street will recapture the precious spirit of debauchery it has always held. The city will be rebuilt, but some areas will get more attention than others, and in that there will be no real lesson. A flashy memorial will be built somewhere where tourists can see it, and it will speak of the triumph of the human spirit or some crap like that. It will completely gloss over the monumental failures that lead to its construction. And it will sit, standing watch, waiting for the next disaster that will expose the cracks in our society. Anybody heard from the San Andres lately?

13

It's magic number time again, the number of combined Braves wins and Marlins losses that will lead to the Bravos 15'th straight division championship. As the title states the magic number is now 13

William Rehnquist, RIP

Chief Justice William Rehnquist has died, and the Dear Leader gets to appoint another supreme. If there is a god he is punishing us. To the Star Trek convention! Quickly! We need virgins to sacrifice!

USA! USA!

To those morons who believe my leftist leanings make me less of an American, let me assure you that when it comes to sports I am as red-blooded as any Budweiser-swilling, NASCAR-watching, red stater out there. I believe that domes, Astro Turf, and the designated hitter are all creations of the devil. The CBS college basketball theme is stuck in my head well into April. And I believe that soccer is the best cure for insomnia there is. Little known fact: If you pay close attention to a soccer game on TV not only can you watch the grass grow but it will be eminently more entertaining as well.

Paradoxically however I love the World Cup, and the qualifiers for it. Which is why tonight I was glued to the USA-Mexico game, and I am proud to say that the Yanks took it 2-0. International sports are some of the few appropriate outlets for nationalism. And soccer, “the world’s game,” was one of the last sports that Americans had not yet conquered. However in the last few years the doormat has gone away and the American national team has, to the shock of the rest of the world, become a power to be reckoned with. To watch the American team mop up in this heated rivalry is a great inspiration for national pride.

Plus it's great to watch the look on the faces of the Mexican players when they realize that they have just had their asses kicked by a bunch of white suburban kids! In the immortal words of the great Nelson Muntz, "Ha! Ha!"

Chipper's Canadian odyssey/L' Odyssée Canadienne du Chipper

Part I

Finally after a long wait here is the report on my visit North of the border. By all means enjoy.

I wanted to do this trip because I had to get my car back from New Hampshire somehow, and if I had to face the New York Thruway and the Ohio Turnpike one more time I was going to take a hostage. Seriously, I know more about the Cleveland freeway system than any normal person should and that includes everybody who lives in Cleveland. I drove north and west across Vermont, skidded around Montreal, and went north to Ottawa. I plunged into the wilderness in Algonquin Park, and then went to the other end of the spectrum in Toronto. Here is a random collection of thoughts I had along the way.

-Crossing the border into Quebec, affable customs guy who admits that his English is "not very best" I am not the ugly American who insists that everyone learn English, but if there were a job anywhere in Quebec that would demand a broad knowledge of the English language perhaps customs guy working the American border would be it. Nevertheless he does not search my car where he would have found the undeclared bottle of Jagermeister in my trunk, so I am happy.

-By the way, I am convinced that Quebec has the highest titty bar to person ratio anywhere in the world. Has anybody researched this? Is there a grant available?

Sidebar question, Canada is one of many countries that has done away with paper currency for its lower denominations (lowest Canadian bill is $5) Now a full-on lap dance is worth more than a fin, but a "just passing by" titty shake is clearly not. This raises the obvious question...How do you slip a coin into a G-string with your teeth?

-Driving around Montreal I notice a Wal-Mart. I did not know they had Wal-Marts in Canada. I guess it was the least we could do after they gave us Celene Dion.

-Driving North to Ottawa, lots of trees.

-More trees

-Yet more trees

-The funny part is that this is the populated part of Canada.

-Finally hit Ottawa (the capital of Canada) Pleasant city, compact with a lively downtown, and a long pedestrian mall. All oriented around Parliament Hill, which is appropriately decorated with all the heroes of Canadian history Champlain, MacDonald, and the ubiquitous Queen Victoria.

-BTW is it just me or is ol' Vicky the ugliest broad in history? Throughout the non-republican English-speaking world there is nobody whose image shows up more than Prince Albert's husband...I mean wife. There is nary a scrap of land throughout the Commonwealth that is not shaded by the Delaware-sized schnoz of a Queen Victoria statue. You would think that they would clean her up for all the statues and portraits but nooo.

-Toured the Canadian capital building making this the eleventh national capital building I have toured. Lots of fur all over the place, PETA would be seriously miffed.

Part II coming soon