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Friday, September 02, 2005

Chipper's Canadian odyssey/L' Odyssée Canadienne du Chipper

Part I

Finally after a long wait here is the report on my visit North of the border. By all means enjoy.

I wanted to do this trip because I had to get my car back from New Hampshire somehow, and if I had to face the New York Thruway and the Ohio Turnpike one more time I was going to take a hostage. Seriously, I know more about the Cleveland freeway system than any normal person should and that includes everybody who lives in Cleveland. I drove north and west across Vermont, skidded around Montreal, and went north to Ottawa. I plunged into the wilderness in Algonquin Park, and then went to the other end of the spectrum in Toronto. Here is a random collection of thoughts I had along the way.

-Crossing the border into Quebec, affable customs guy who admits that his English is "not very best" I am not the ugly American who insists that everyone learn English, but if there were a job anywhere in Quebec that would demand a broad knowledge of the English language perhaps customs guy working the American border would be it. Nevertheless he does not search my car where he would have found the undeclared bottle of Jagermeister in my trunk, so I am happy.

-By the way, I am convinced that Quebec has the highest titty bar to person ratio anywhere in the world. Has anybody researched this? Is there a grant available?

Sidebar question, Canada is one of many countries that has done away with paper currency for its lower denominations (lowest Canadian bill is $5) Now a full-on lap dance is worth more than a fin, but a "just passing by" titty shake is clearly not. This raises the obvious question...How do you slip a coin into a G-string with your teeth?

-Driving around Montreal I notice a Wal-Mart. I did not know they had Wal-Marts in Canada. I guess it was the least we could do after they gave us Celene Dion.

-Driving North to Ottawa, lots of trees.

-More trees

-Yet more trees

-The funny part is that this is the populated part of Canada.

-Finally hit Ottawa (the capital of Canada) Pleasant city, compact with a lively downtown, and a long pedestrian mall. All oriented around Parliament Hill, which is appropriately decorated with all the heroes of Canadian history Champlain, MacDonald, and the ubiquitous Queen Victoria.

-BTW is it just me or is ol' Vicky the ugliest broad in history? Throughout the non-republican English-speaking world there is nobody whose image shows up more than Prince Albert's husband...I mean wife. There is nary a scrap of land throughout the Commonwealth that is not shaded by the Delaware-sized schnoz of a Queen Victoria statue. You would think that they would clean her up for all the statues and portraits but nooo.

-Toured the Canadian capital building making this the eleventh national capital building I have toured. Lots of fur all over the place, PETA would be seriously miffed.

Part II coming soon

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