Le riot

I will admit that I am not immune to a few rounds of “hate the French.” After all France bashing is as American as, well, French fries. France may have been right about Iraq, but they are still smug, self-righteous sons of bitches, and I confess to a little schiednfraude while watching a Le Car go up in les flames on le TV.

Still after 18 straight nights of rioting all France has to show for it is a bunch of burnt out Peugeots. And in that is something that we as Americans can take pride in because we riot better then anybody else on the planet. Seriously when Americans riot people get killed, buildings get torched, and somehow everybody ends up with a big screen. We don’t even need a Rodney King to go apeshit, just wait for your team to win the Super Bowl! Americans need to send some people from Compton over there as consultants to show them how to do things right. Nevertheless in the Gallic penchant for burning automobiles we may be seeing the true root cause of the violence. We in America are finally learning a truth that the world has known for some time…French cars suck. Mahmood isn’t pissed off because of discrimination, unemployment, or a general sense of malaise. Mahmood is pissed off because he drives a Renault! You would be too.

Quick, how many people does it take to drive a Citroen?
Three, one to steer, one to push, and one to surrender to the oncoming Mercedes!

This isn’t something we know in the States because French cars have been off the market for a good long while, primarily because nobody was buying them. However in most parts of the world French autos attempt to ply the streets on an even plane with Fords, Volkswagens, and Toyotas. The easiest way to learn to curse in another language is to travel to another country, seek out a garage that specializes in French cars (they will be plentiful) and just hang around. You will learn enough bad words to make Dick Cheney blush.

My personal experience in French automotive know-how came in the early 80’s when my father worked for the United Nations in Malaysia. The U.N. presented my father with two things…a brand new Peugeot station wagon, and Abu. Abu’s sole purpose in life was to maintain that car and ferry my father wherever he needed to go. Yet half the time my father was bumming rides off my mother and her functioning Honda. Try as he might, and Abu was a dedicated man, he simply could not get that station wagon out of the driveway on most days. Once again most of my bad Bahasa came from eavesdropping on Abu while he was under the car.

Thus far the E.U. has pledged 58 million dollars (or 300 Euros, depending on the exchange rate) to help rebuild in the violence-torn areas. That will buy a lot of Corollas.