The View From Murray Hill

Race & Hollywood

2008-06-15T14:13:00.003-05:00

From day to day there is no telling what is going to pique my interest enough to fire up the ‘ol word processor. The recent dustup between directors Spike Lee and Clint Eastwood has inspired me somewhat.

I want to begin by saying that I believe Hollywood, and American culture in general owes a great deal of gratitude to Spike Lee. Lee is a brilliant storyteller and a masterful filmmaker whose takes on life from the African-American perspective was completely missing from, and sorely needed in American cinema before his arrival. The ripple effect goes beyond his own films as he has inspired a new generation of directors to join him in exploring the previously untold yarns of black America.

That being said Lee can hardly be considered a visionary or innovator. A study of his filmography shows that almost all of his movies are rigidly structured and formulaic. His films portray young, African-Americans striving to survive in a society controlled by a white America which at its best is ignorant and indifferent to their struggles and at its worst conniving and even murderous. People from other cultures and backgrounds merely serve as scenery as we follow or intrepid hero’s struggle against broadly-drawn and stereotypical villains who are almost always white.

What I am saying is that Spike Lee is a one trick pony. He is an artist who is gifted in his ability to disseminate the African-American experience into the culture at large, but has shown that he has a tin ear to the life experiences and perspectives of anyone whose skin color differs from his.

All of this makes his criticisms of Clint Eastwood both predictable and bizarre. That Eastwood’s films (particularly his WWII epics) do not reflect The African-American perspective is true, but my question is why do they need to? Anyone with a basic understanding of American history can tell you that while segregated from their white compatriots, African-American soldiers were present, served gallantly, and had an enormous impact in many decisive battles during the war. Their experiences are valid, and their stories need to be told. But to shoehorn in storylines about black soldiers simply to satisfy a more multi-cultural society than the one being portrayed would result in a jilted and clumsy narrative that would bring down the whole project around it.

Lee’s comments become even stranger when you consider that one of the films is about Japanese soldiers. I don’t think that there were any African-Americans serving in the Imperial Japanese Army, but if there were I would agree that theirs would be a story worth telling! It is to Eastwood’s credit that he has the ability to step out of his own skin and tell a story from the perspective of a different culture (and language). Something that Lee is either unwilling or unable to attempt.

It would be virtually impossible to tell the stories of African-American soldiers in WWII without making the film about segregation. While it is a worthy subject, racial segregation was not the only thing going on during that period. There are many stories stemming from that era all worthy of being told. To follow Lee's way of thinking is to say that they are not.

In his criticisms Lee has shown that he is no better than the filmmakers who came before him. Myopic in their craft they ignored the stories and contributions of those who were different then they were, building walls that required someone like Spike Lee to tear them down. Now new walls are going up with Lee as a bricklayer, necessitating the arrival of a new filmmaker toting a sledgehammer.

'Bout frickin time

2008-05-04T14:22:00.001-05:00

Once again I find myself penning one of those “sorry I haven’t done this in a while” blog posts. When restarting a blog there is always a dilemma; what should I lead off with? So much has happened in the past few months I simply don’t know what to choose: Battles with students and school bureaucracy? An increasingly desperate job hunt? Deaths in the family? Trips both to home and the West Coast? The kickball season that isn’t? Or just the mundane day-to-day observations of a man living in the pothole capitol of America. I thought I would share something that happened to me today…enjoy.

I haven’t been reading much lately. Which isn’t true of course, I do quite a bit of reading actually from student assignments to inane postings on Fark and A.net to the Sunday New York Times right down to the two magazines I actually have delivered to le masion. (The Nation and Entertainment Weekly, try wrapping your head around that combo!) What I mean to say is that I haven’t been reading many books, an exercise in intellectual slackitude that has left me feeling somewhat bland and, coming from a college-educated family, guilty.

So armed with the $100 Borders gift certificate I received for my birthday a few months back I pointed the kimchee-powered love machine into the wilds of suburbia in search of literary fulfillment. I spent three hours of a sunny Sunday afternoon perusing the shelves picking up biographies, alternative histories, short story collections, and novels by authors I had forgotten I had enjoyed. I found it amazing that such a left-leaning, god-denying, socialist such as myself did not own a copy of Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States, this was something I was determined to correct.

At the end of all this I had amassed two armloads full of dead trees and Happiness. (one of the titles I picked up) The total would well surpass the gift card that was now burning a hole in my wallet but I didn’t care, I was not just purchasing books, I was purchasing fulfillment. So finally my turn came and the lady behind the counter rang up my selections. I plunked down my Borders card and she looked at me as if I had just sprouted a second head.

I was at fucking Barnes & Noble!

A warm feeling in your heart

2007-08-28T12:48:00.001-05:00

Don't you just love it when douchenozzle, family values, Jesus loves you because you hate everyone else, conservatives are outed as the hypocrites they are?

One question senator...top or bottom?

/This picture was the 8'th one in on a GIS, I had to go with it.

//Craig's seat is up in '08. On behalf of liberals everywhere I would like
to say; Please run for re-election senator. Please, please, prety please?

///Please?

Na na na naahh...

2007-08-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

...na na na naahh, hey hey hey goodbye!!

Don't let the clubhouse door hit you on the way out fatass! I hear there's an opening for a prima donna pitcher who can't get little leaguers out in the Mexican league. Ole!

Why I'm not slashing my wrists over Michael Vick

2007-08-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

Atlanta sports fans can be forgiven if they come off as a rather pessimistic and jaded lot. After all no group of multi-sport enthusiasts anywhere have endured as many false starts, broken promises, and generally dismal play than those for whom 404 is not an internet error message. Even our one moment in the sun, the Braves 1995 World Series championship, occurred in a year when virtually nobody watched baseball. Thus resulting in an endless string of exasperating conversations convincing people that yes, the Atlanta Braves actually did win a World Series.

Now as we stand ready to induct yet another athlete into the Pascual "Perimeter" Perez/Jeff George train wreck hall of fame, people begin to ask the inevitable question...when did it all go wrong? The answer, as it turns out, day 1.

Michael Vick is a one-in-a generation kind of talent, a natural athlete who could dominate any sport he chooses to play. That's the good news. The bad news; everybody knows it, including Vick. It is almost the natural order of things that people who know their potential almost never live up to it.

Think about it. Those who dominate any field be it sports, business, or politics are never the ones who were destined for greatness, those people invariably become disappointments. It's always those who seemingly come out of nowhere that end up running the table. Why? Because these people do not have the burden of expectations. They have no monkey on their back to use a tired, old metaphor. If they succeed, that's great. If they don't, oh well. And that gives them the freedom to reach the top of whatever field they are in.

Michael Vick had the opposite problem. Going back to his high school days everybody knew that he was destined for the NFL. His domination of the college football world as a Hokie simply put an exclamation point on his future. And when he was drafted #1 by the Falcons, it seemed that the sky was the limit.

But the Falcons play in a domed stadium and one cannot see the sky from anywhere on the field of play, so it seems the ceiling for Vick was actually much lower. It began with Dan Reeves who was determined to take all that raw talent and mold Vick into a quarterback. Something Vick thought he had already learned. The two clashed violently and when the Falcons failed to make the playoffs after two years Reeves was forced to walk the plank with Vick holding the sword at his back

Enter the players coach, Jim Mora. Mora wasn't about to mold anybody into anything, he was determined to let Vick be Vick. Left to his own devices Vick became the top rushing quarterback of all time. However this was a problem as quarterbacks aren't supposed to run the ball unless something has gone terribly wrong.

The fact that Vick ran so much was a sign that either A: He didn't have anybody to throw to, or B: He couldn't throw the ball very well, a serious issue for a quarterback. The fact that Vick got away with it as often as he did is simply a testimony to his talent. But the bottom line is that you cannot have half your offensive plays be quarterback draws and succeed in the NFL. Mora eventually figured that out and responded by crafting a more traditional offense. Vick revolted and fought bitterly over the change in tactics and it spilled over onto the field. Vick was clearly mailing it in and the results showed. Push came to shove, literally, and Mora was shown the door cementing Vick's rep. as a coach killer.

Even with his sporadically spectacular play on the field, it was clear that football was a secondary concern. it was merely a paycheck, a nice paycheck, but a paycheck nonetheless. Then came the cavalcade of off-the-field problems that were always really there, they were just conveniently ignored. There was the posse and all the problems that came with them. Ron Mexico, the finger incident, the "water" bottle, and finally we arrived at dogfighting.

We all saw this coming. The dogfighting itself was a surprise, but the fact that Vick would eventually self-destruct was not. Falcons fans knew from early on that there was to be no banner raising in the Georgia Dome anytime soon. Last draft day I along with many of my compatriots were just waiting for the news report to shock those on ESPN "In a surprising move the Atlanta Falcons, with their number 8 pick selected quarterback Brady Quinn. The question now, what does this mean for Michael Vick?"

Alas it was not to be. But no matter what happens do not feel sorry for Michael Vick. He will most likely get a slap on the wrist from the court and will then do a series of public service ads for the ASPCA and Kennel Club. Even if he never takes another snap Vick has more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life.

And it may be that Vick will once again become a success in the NFL. Perhaps even hoisting a Lombardi trophy or two. But he will never be great, he will never be as good as he could have been.

I love this video

2007-08-11T01:25:00.001-05:00

The money shot comes with about 1:37 to go.

*

2007-08-08T11:02:00.000-05:00

Peter Moylan for Prime Minister!

2007-08-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

There is an enormously bright spot in the Braves bullpen these days and that light is coming from down under. I'm speaking of course of Peter Moylan.

From Attadale in Western Australia Moylan has just been lights out out of the pen this season helping to overcome the overwhelming black hole of suckage that is Bob Wichmann (My previous offer still stands)So far he has pitched in 48 games and has amassed a 1.94 ERA. In road games that number goes down to an almost microscopic 0.59

Moylan got the save tonight in the 7-3 win over the Mets in the opener of this crucial series. And with the addition of Dotel from the AAA Kansas City Royals I am feeling much more upbeat about the bravos pen these days.
Peter Moylan, I'll go a-waltzing matilda down by the billabong with you anytime mate. This ones for you.

Best. Classified. Ad. Evar!!!

2007-07-30T18:28:00.000-05:00

From the Herald of Randolph, VT.

"Do you wake up in the morning getting high? Do you think you can make a career out of getting high? Do you work well while high? Do you have higher aspirations for getting high? Are you looking for a higher salary? If so, come get high with Chimney Savers, 728-3900. Call the office for higher employment to reach new heights."

Duuuuuuuude.

If you see this man

2007-07-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

There is probably some rule around here about calling for the murder of another human being, and far be it from me to break blogging etiquette. Nevertheless if you see this man; Braves "closer" Bob Wickman and you accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake, or your finger has a mild spasam whilst sitting on a trigger of some sort...well. I can't promise you payment or any sort of tit-for-tat exchange, Let's just say I will be greatful and we'll leave it at thet.

What does a hitman go for these days anyway?

I has a fishy

2007-07-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

His name is Commander Sakana B. Fishy of the First Order of the Knights of the Living Room, Defender of the Surround Sound Speaker, Earl of the Bookcase.

His friends call him Sakana-Chan but all others must address him as Commander Fishy. Salute!!

Chipper McNuggets

2007-07-16T02:38:00.000-05:00

From time to time I have thoughts that do not warrent a whole post on their own. I call them Chipper McNuggets...Enjoy

-Skip Caray rocks. There will be no debating this.

-When it comes to the Brewers I am by no means a bandwagon fan. I remember when John Jaha and Greg Vaughn were thought to be the second coming of Yount and Molitor. I remember Hideo Nomo’s cameo appearance in a Brewer uniform. And I was there that opening day when Major League Baseball found out that it’s a bad idea to give 50,000 drunk people free baseballs. Here’s a handy little litmus test to find out if somebody is a bandwagon fan or not, ask them if they know who the “Thunder From Down Under” was. If they give you a blank stare they’re a bandwagon fan.

-This is not to say that I am forsaking my longstanding allegiance to the Braves, far from it! I have been up and down on the Bravos rollercoaster with everyone else this season. And I would like to congratulate Andruw Jones for finally finding the broad side of the barn. As for what will happen should the Braves and Brewers meet in the playoffs? I plan on stocking my apartment with a month’s supply of beer and locking the door until it’s all over.

-I believe that one must be a pessimist in order to be a true Braves fan. My buddy Andrew disagrees. He is a relentlessly positive, glass half-full kind of person when it comes to baseball. Whenever we talk he is always pointing out that this player is doing awesome, that this guy is really starting to come around, and that this is a sign that the good times are right around the corner. I, on the other hand, firmly believe that to be a Braves fan one must first accept the fact that God hates you and shits on all of your endeavors. Then and only then may you pick up a tomahawk.

-Can somebody explain Dane Cook to me?

-Like swallows to Capistrano I too must migrate from time to time. I am headed back east in August at the behest of my mother as there is a family reunion. Now I am nominally closer to my father’s family as there has always been greater geographic proximity. But this time I am diving into my mother’s end of the gene pool where everyone is very beautiful, very wealthy, and very religious. It’s like a walking talking J Crew ad with crucifixes. Oh well, a free weekend at the Cape is a free weekend at the Cape. Plus we’re Irish so at least there will be booze everywhere.

-On September 10 Rudy Giuliani was a punch line, now he’s the second coming of Ronald Regan. How desperate is the Republican party?

-Unlike my other leftist compatriots I do not think that the President should be impeached. It is a meaningless endeavor, and a vindictive waste of time that won’t improve a goddamn thing. That being said with the bar for impeachment set at lying about a hummer, the Dear Leader should be looking at spending his golden years in the Supermaxx and not the ranch.

-Speaking of hummers, god I miss Bill Clinton. Seriously the world was at peace, Americans were liked, the economy was chugging along, gas was a buck-thirty a gallon, and I’m pretty sure the sky was bluer too.

-Barry Bonds kiss my ass.

-So Becks and Posh are crossing the pond, and I for one am so excited that my nipples could cut glass. Beckam playing for the Galaxy is supposed to elevate soccer into America’s prime-time sports pantheon. Just like when Pele joined the now defunct NASL back in the 70’s, or when the Arena Soccer League started, or when the U.S. hosted the World Cup, or when the MLS was founded, or when…you know what, just applaud politely and go back to what you were doing. Meanwhile I am petitioning cable providers to give Major League Lacrosse it’s own network. Join me!

-Sadist, sa'dist n. See: City of Milwaukee department of parking enforcement.

-Scenario 1. Both Ron and Hermione die. Harry defeats and kills Voldemordt but his joy is short lived as he soon learns that his two closest friends did not survive the battle. While the wizarding world celebrates Harry settles into a hermitic life as the new defense against the dark arts teacher at Hogwarts, forever to be haunted by his traumatic past.

-Scenario 2. (How I would do it) Harry defeats Voldemort but he is mortally wounded in the battle. During the course of the novel a subplot develops where Harry and Hermione become closer much to Ron’s consternation. At the end we are transported several years into the future to the Weasley house were Ron and Hermione care for their children who all have red hair and freckles except for the oldest who has dark hair, glasses and a mysterious scar-like birthmark.

-No matter what Voldemort must die as the triumph of good over evil is a central theme throughout the series.

-Also Dumbledore is alive. You heard it here first.

-I have not had a good peach since I left Georgia. Seriously what the hell is up with peaches in this part of the country? Either they are made out of construction quality steel or they were harvested sometime during the Nixon administration and they just now made it to the produce section of the Pic N’ Save. Nothing in between. The worst part is I keep falling for the promises, I see the sign that says “tree ripe” and I dive in not knowing that what they are really selling is spherical lumps of dark matter. I don’t want to power an interstellar starship I want a goddamn piece of fruit!! Is that so hard for these Yankees to understand? After seeing what they did to BBQ should I really be surprised?

-A Brave may not advance to first on a single until Skip Caray has graciously allowed them to leave the batters box.

Sometimes I love being a teacher

2007-07-08T01:29:00.000-05:00

Admission to Summerfest-$15

Shuttle from local bar to Summerfest-$3

Beer at Summerfest-$4

The look on my student's faces after I agree to buy them a beer and before they realize I'm jerking them around-Priceless

I'MMMM BAAAAAAACKKKKKKK!!

2007-06-21T16:23:00.000-05:00

Behold one and all I have returned to the blogosphere. Like Napoleon of old I have escaped from my own private Elba and I now attempt to reconquer what was mine. Hopefully this will last longer than a hundred days as I can frankly do without my own Waterloo.

Anyway soon I will once again regale you with my pointed commentary concerning the Bush administration, my madman-like rantings over the Atlanta Braves, and the countless tales of woe that together create the grand mosaic that is my life. But for now I can think of no better way to announce my return than with an addition of...

Friday Plane Porn!!!!

Today I bring you images of my favorite plane the Boeing 777-300.

The T-7 or "Triple Seven" as it is known in the biz is a long-haul twin-engine aircraft originally designed to fill the gap between the 767 and the 747. The 777 was an improvement over the 767 as while both could do trans-Atlantic hops the 767 could not do trans-Pacific routings. The 200-series entered commercial service in the early 90's and has been a tremendous success selling nearly 1,000 of the type and racking up an unprecedented safety record. (To date not one passenger has died, nor even one airframe lost for any reason. Statistically speaking there should have been a handful of incidents by now)

A few Years ago Boeing revamped the 777 program and released the 777-300 which is a stretch version of the original and has a seating capacity close to that of a 747. Which is good because Boeing can't seem to give away it's own updated 747. The 777-300 is a very long, sleek, and elegant looking aircraft and I just wanted to share it with you, enjoy.

New Rule

2007-02-19T21:16:00.000-06:00

From here on out nobody is allowed to climb Mt. Hood in the winter, and that goes for the dog too.

Yup I'm THAT guy

2007-01-17T09:41:00.000-06:00

You know that asshole who after a storm only brushes off the windows on his car then takes a ride on the freeway to get rid of the rest of the snow leaving those behind him in white out conditions?

Nice to meet ya.

I love my mama!

2007-01-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

Had a doctors appointment today during which I had to go through the whole medical history shebang, and the following conversation took place...

Doctor: Is there a history of mental illness in your family?
Me: Uhh...diagnosed mental illness?
Doctor: Yes
Me: Yeah, then no.

Jobs

2007-01-04T13:33:00.000-06:00

Saw in the news this morning that Paris Hilton was fired, which made me pause...Paris has a job!?!? In order to have one's employment terminated I always thought one must actually be employed. Did I miss a step here? Will Paris have to go stand in line at the unemployment office with all the other degenerates, or will she take Nicole Ritche's lifeless corpse and have it hold a place in line for her...that's hot!

Oh well now that Paris is unemployed perhaps she would like to become prime minister of Iraq. That's right current PM Nuri Al-Malaki stated recently that he does not like the job, he will not seek it again, and would like to leave before his term expires, or gets blown up. Ya know, whichever comes first. It's hard to imagine walking away from such a gig, think of it; heading up a country engrossed in a civil war, taking orders from all sides, and not even having the power to fart without asking the Americans for permission first. How did I miss this on career day?

I have the solution. Nur wants out (his friends call him Nur) and Paris needs a job. So let's take Nur and exile him to someplace quieter and less dangerous (Newark?) get Paris a burqua and get her on the next C-130 to Baghdad. After all it's not like she could do any worse. And if she gets assassinated then it's a horrible loss for us all.

Final farewell

2007-01-03T15:38:00.000-06:00

It's good that President Ford will be buried today. Any longer and the funeral would have gone on longer than his presidency.

Sports meditation

2007-01-03T12:17:00.000-06:00

There is an overwhelming sense of security that comes from being a Georgia sports fan. The feeling that no matter what occurs, what highs may be achieved, what amount of buzz or hype bounces about radio, cable, and the internets, it will all end in tears. Just as sure as the sun will rise in the east every morning, the Georgia sports fan knows at the outset of every season that at some point the wheels are going to fall completely off and leave you where you are...alone, slack-jawed, and thinking about placing a pistol in your mouth. The only suspense left to us is how. How are the Braves, Falcons, Hawks, Dawgs going to fuck it up this year? What form of Job-like punishment is God going to make us endure now? Granted that last part was pure hyperbole as any true peach state fan has forsaken belief in an almighty years ago. Perhaps somewhere around the time Jamal Anderson tore his second ACL, but we can't be sure.

Atlanta fans in particular are the subject of national ridicule for arriving late and leaving early, if they show up at all. To that I would say that if you have already read the screenplay you don't need to stick around for the third act. And if you had to deal with Atlanta traffic you'd be late to everything too. The culture of victimhood is alive and well in the ATL, only without the doting adulation the media pours on Red Sox fans. Instead we suffer in silence, sans spotlight watching Bobby Cox go two or three knuckles deep mining for gold while the bullpen blows yet another three run lead.

Georgia football provides a classic example of this fatalism as you can set a watch by their season. It begins with a preseason ranking in the top 10, usually between 7-9. Then things start with a bang as the Dawgs roll over their opponents providing many "if Georgia can _____ then maybe _____" scenarios. Then comes the loss to either Tennessee or Florida, or both, knocking them from the BCS pantheon. Followed by one or two more losses down the line (usually not to Vandy but the Dawgs did an execptional job of shitting the bed this year) ending in an invitation to the Who the Fuck Cares Bowl (sponsored by Art's day spa and tire center) Where they will squeak out a win over East Fairbanks A&M and claim that this was a major step forward for the program.

The Bravos (AKA the place where washed-up Mexican league infielders go to die) did alter the script somewhat this year, as usually we have to wait for October before they swallow the hemlock. Nevertheless this season they had completely screwed the pooch by June, giving us the rest of the summer to contemplate the many ways the Falcons were going to disappoint us come fall.

The lone highlight for the Braves season was the Delta commercial where Jeff Francouer hit a home run ball to a saucer-eyed, tow-headed Braves fan in Denmark. Hmmm, a severely slumping ballplayer from a team trying to bask in long-faded glory serving as pitchman for a bankrupt airline showing Braves fans in places where people don't care about baseball. If that's not a metaphor what is?

The Hawks and Thrashers...ugh.

The Falcons at least made things interesting this year. Every week we would tune in watching the sidelines to see if Michael Vick had pulled a nine on Jim Mora. (Holding it sideways, gangsta style) The rest of the game, eh...not so much. Mora may be gone but there are no hard feelings, after all if I had to coach Michael Vick I would be thinking about the Huskies too. Nevertheless one should not blame Michael Vick for this season's shortcomings, after all he did set the single season record for rush yards by a Quarterback. Never mind the fact that the record he passed was his own, or that there are no other names on the list because rushing the ball is not what quarterbacks are supposed to do. Never mind that nobody on this team can throw a goddamn ball, just look at the fast man run!

The Dirty Birds are less a football team than a home for NFLers to come and cash a paycheck without having to worry about the pressure of things like playoffs or superbowls. After all it's not like Vick is blazing a new path (cough) Dieon (cough)

I have to give it to Arthur Blank though, poor thing actually believes he can take the Falcons to the Super Bowl, that's sweet. I think he is now realizing that compared to the task he has, Sisyphus had it easy, no wonder he's spending all his time at his aquarium!

Still not old

2006-12-11T14:16:00.000-06:00

Found on the internets...

Where's the door?

2006-12-07T12:48:00.000-06:00

So the Iraq study group's report is out and it tells a lot about what we already know.

That despite what you hear on Fox News the situation is getting worse and not better.
That our current course of action is not working, and has not worked for some time.
And that our presence in Iraq is actually creating more problems than it solves.

We can now file these factiods with other nuggets that we have had the morbid opportunity to glean over the years such as...

Iraq was not behind 9/11, nor was it aligned with Al Queida.
Iraq was not hiding weapons of mass destruction.
Iraqis did not greet American troops as liberators. (The fact that they seriously believed this fairy tale before the war began shows how large the disconnect between this administration and reality is.)
And that Iraqi oil revenues would pay for the invasion and occupation

What we are left with is this: That Iraq was a nation living under the oppressive thumb of an egomanical military dictator who thought nothing of torturing and killing his own people. A dictator that would periodically rattle his swords to get attention from the rest of the world, but at the end of the day was only a threat to his own people, an oppressed and beleaguered people who simply did not have the means to overthrow him.

The idea that such a dictator could be replaced, and the people living in his prison of a country could once again be free and see daylight is indeed a noble one. In fact we can all rally around the image of a new Iraq, democratic and free. Standing as a beacon of hope and prosperity in the middle of a strife-torn region. Whose people now unshackled throw aside their ancient hatreds, heralding a middle eastern renaissance.

That, and I want a pony for Christmas.

Neither one is going to happen and we now need to seriously look at where we go from here. To date we have put in three and a half years, spent around 500 billion dollars, have sacrificed the lives of 3000 American men and women, and have nothing to show for it. What's worse if we redouble our efforts and commit another three and a half years, another 500 billion dollars and send another 3000 Americans marching to their deaths it won't change a goddamn thing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, so what the hell are we doing!?!?

It has been said that there is no good option in Iraq, no "Peace with honor" to borrow a Vietnam-era phrase. That a civil war is not just some possibility but in fact is the reality, and that injecting ourselves into what is essentially a 1300-year old conflict is not sound policy on any level. The problems plaguing Iraq today are Iraqi problems and they need Iraqi solutions. The best thing we can do is set a timetable for our withdrawal, thus sending a message to the Iraqi government (such as it is) and to the Iraqi people that our patience is not infinite. If the will is there then perhaps there can rise up some semblance of governmental authority that can keep a lid on sectarian violence. And if not, then like everything else in the middle east it is simply Allah's will. And there is no amount of American money, equipment, or troops that can change it.

The truly sad part is that we knew this was going to happen even before the war began. The initial invasion was never the real hurdle, but rather the occupation and governing of a land where we did not understand the people the culture or the language. That was just simply beyond our means. The President's father knew this in 1991. He knew that despite Saddam's flaws he was better than the alternative, an alternative we are now stuck with. Never has the old adage about the devil you know being better than the devil you don't been more true. We should have seen this coming, in fact we did see this coming. Many tried to alert this administration about the danger it was careening blindly into, but alas they were soon replaced with sycophantic yes-men, who cherry picked facts that supported them and buried ones that didn't. They put their own ambitions above the needs of their country, and for that History will judge them harshly.

My favorite conservative political thinker is, by far, Patrick Buchanan. And I think that everyone should be required to read A Republic Not an Empire where he writes about how being an imperial power is antithetical to American ideals, and ultimately corrosive to our national soul. Now I think Paddy is pretty far off the reservation 95% of the time, but on this point he is dead on. The Iraq war is a clear picture of a misuse of power. Imagine what our place in the world would be if we had never embarked on this fools errand. We would still have the world's sympathy and support from 9/11. We would also have more leverage and capitol when it came to dealing with real threats to America from Iran and North Korea. It is even possible that without the specter of American troops on his border, Ahmedinawhocares may have never risen to power, and we could be dealing with a very different Iran today.

Imagine what we could have done with the 500 Billion dollars here at home. We could have saved social security, fixed health care, and sent anyone to college who wanted to go. If we had poured those resources into Afghanistan (a justified and necessary conflict) where would that place be now? And what if those 3000 dead, and 21,000 injured were well, whole, and never had to leave their families side? The woulda, shoulda, coulda over this conflict will endure for generations.

But none of that came to pass and we are where we are; stuck in yet another quagmire. From the Philippines to Vietnam our leaders have followed a great tradition of refusing to learn from previous generations, and getting us stuck in situations from which there is no graceful exit. The optimist in me hopes that this is it, that there will be no more of these foreign adventures. That we can withdrew our troops and reap the benifits of a peace dividend here at home. The pessimist in me can only imagine in what godforsaken hellhole the next generation will spin its wheels.

12/7

2006-12-07T12:08:00.000-06:00

Today is December 7, Pearl Harbor day. Sixty-five years ago Japanese forces mounted a sneak attack on the U.S. Pacific fleet on the island of Oahu. We should take time to thank the rapidly dwindling number of those who served in the noble conflict that followed.

We should also be thankful that our current commander-in-chief was not in charge at the time. For in response to the Japanese attack he would have blown the shit out of Canada! On the other hand if Winnipeg went up in a blinding white flash would anyone have noticed?

Tranny

2006-11-18T14:08:00.000-06:00

This morning I headed down to the Brady St. Pharmacy for breakfast. This has become one of my regular haunts because I like authentic diner-style joints, and this place is as authentic as they get. The restaurant is also cheap (a massive stack of pancakes, bacon, and a bottomless cup of coffee for around six bucks, can't beat that) and of course it being Brady St. you never know what you're going to see, kinda where this post is going.

So I plop down at the counter, unfold my Journal Sentinel and flag down the waitress. Then I gaze around the eatery and my eyes freeze when I see him/her/it. There was a drag queen at the other end of the counter, wearing something akin to the costume Tim Curry wore in the Rocky Horror picture show but off the shoulder, and with netting in the front.

Now it is already well-documented that politically I am somewhere to the left of Lenin, and I am as strong a civil libertarian as they come. In fact this is what I like about living on the East Side, it is the kind of neighborhood where you can spot a haggard grad student, a construction worker, and a transvestite all sitting shoulder to shoulder at the same lunch counter and not think anything of it. It is a neighborhood that fosters the kind of liberal openness that makes the Fallwells and Dobsons of this world wretch and stay away, and that's suits us just fine.

But back to this particular drag queen. He was a little long in the tooth (mid 50's possibly) and had not taken care of himself well. His hair, blonde with grey roots, was long, thin, and hairsprayed to within an inch of its life, but it was not enough to cover the receding hairline and massive bald spot. the outfit he was wearing was not the least bit flattering as the netting on the front was stretched to the limit by the massive beer gut, and the off the shoulder number revealed a dense forest of backhair. His makeup put him somewhere between Tammy Faye Bakker and Bozo the Clown, and it appeared that most of his lipstick had wound up on his teeth not his lips.

Now there is nothing wrong with men wearing womens clothes in public. Nevertheless being a transvestite is not something you can half-ass, you really have to go all the way with it. From a distance it would appear that being a drag queen requires a level of commitment and dedication that this guy just didn't have. You've got to be willing to invest the time, money, and effort into wigs, outfits, makeup, and attitude that will trick the world into thinking you're a woman, or at the very least make them wonder. Otherwise you're just a dude in a dress.

Musings

2006-11-15T13:28:00.000-06:00

Just like some other bloggers I know I, from time to time, have bits, pieces, McNuggets, whatever you want to call them that need to get out but do not warrant their own post. Here are some...

-I demand a Traveling Wilburys reunion. I don't care that both Roy Orbison and George Harrison are dead. Dig them up and sling a guitar around them, they'll know what to do.

-There is not one person, not one, born in the United States between 1970 and 1980 who doesn't know all the lyrics to Tom Petty's Free Fallin'. Don't believe me? Play the first five chords to various people throughout your day. I guarantee that even the retarded guy bagging your groceries will start in..."She's a good girl, loves her mama, loves Jeeeesus, and America too"...

-Did you know that Hootie and the Blowfish are still together and recording music? Is that cool or sad? I can't decide.

-Just about every time I got laid in the 90's Dave Matthews was playing in the background. To this day every time I hear Satellite, I get an erection. Pavlov would be proud.

-The B-777 in all its versions is a vastly superior aircraft to the A-340 in all its versions. There will be no debating this.

-I think that Will and Janna should get their own show. No guests, no pre-taped segments, just the two of them sitting in chairs (bolted down to avoid any Springer moments) and yelling at each other...I would watch that.

-I'm still pissed at NBC for canceling LAX two years ago. You had Heather Locklier and Blair Underwood fighting with each other and playing with airplanes. How could they not make this work!?!? Because of the peacock's ineptness a crack was opened wide enough for Howie Mandel to slip back into the cultural either. For shame NBC, for shame.

-On the other side of the coin I want to give NBC props for sticking with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip for at least a whole season. Aaron Sorkin is a brilliant writer (just compare West Wing episodes from before and after he left) Nevertheless I feel like each episode is a separate therapy session for him. Maybe that's what good writers do.

-Speaking of good writers Carl Hiassen has a new book out. Picked up one of the first copies yesterday and put it on ice for the inevitable downtime during the parental units Thanksgiving visit/inspection. I will need the escape. Carl is a one-trick pony, but he plays that trick well over and over again and is always fun to read. He has spent the last couple of years transferring his genre to the young adult level, but these were always disappointing works because you really can't run with the transvestite, drug-dealing, murderous, land developer characters as much when you're writing for the kiddies.

-Yes, you read correctly, the parents are coming. And for some reason we are renting a condo in Door County. A condo I just know will have a heart-shaped hot tub in it, and that won't be awkward. Nope, not the least bit awkward at all. Thank god for booze.

-I love The Simpsons, always have and always will. But Family Guy has fully lapped them by now. Seth MacFarline is willing to go to, and write about things that Matt Groening was never willing to touch, and I think it's pretty clear that the torch has been passed. Nevertheless we must pay homage because without Homer there never would have been a Peter. I said pay homage bitch!

-I have been fortunate in my life to have lived in both Milwaukee and Japan. Two of the last places on this earth where binge drinking is not only acceptable, but expected. I think often of moving, and fantasize about places where I could go. Nevertheless I don't think I would adapt well to the title of "raging alcoholic" so I'm pretty much stuck where I am. That screaming you hear...my liver.

-I see that Trent Lott has crept back into the Republican leadership after their latest electoral debacle. I think this is a classic example of continuing to dig after striking rock bottom. And as a Democrat I'm fine with it.

-My TIVO croaked recently and I had to swap out the carcass with the cable company for a new one. Which meant that I had to reset all the season passes, and I am sad to say, Nessa, that Grey's Anatomy did not make the cut. I just fell out with the show. In order to like a program there has to be one likeable character in the bunch and Grey's has none. I hate them all, passionately, I watch the program and wish for bad things to happen to each and every cast member. Seeing that a nuke going off in Seattle Grace is unlikely to happen anytime soon, the show has been cancelled in my living room.

-I'm writing this in the computer lab in the education building at Stritch. One of my classmates just came in with Leinies for everybody. The person next to me (with whom I am doing an hour-long presentation at 4:30) refused as she already had a Snapple bottle that was half lemonade and half vodka. We toasted to the concept that there isn't a teacher out there who isn't on a first-name basis wit a bartender or liquor store owner. Prost!!!

Na na na nah...

2006-11-08T12:59:00.000-06:00

Last week: Rumsfeld will stay until the end.
Today: Buh bye

Amazing what a splash of reality can do.

Yay

2006-11-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

Just yay.

A moment

2006-11-06T08:56:00.000-06:00

So Saddam Hussein has been convicted of crimes against humanity. I think we will have to file this one under “w” for well duh! As fun as it will be to watch the ‘ol butcher of Baghdad swing from the gallows, hearing about Saddam getting sentenced to death is like hearing about an ex contracting an STD…it may be gratifying at first, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still not getting laid. This doesn’t really change anything, and I think the odds are 6-5 against Saddam ever actually meeting the executioner.

Nevertheless this is a huge symbolic moment in a war where symbolic moments are all we’ve got, so I think we should take this chance to do something big.

Declare victory and get out.

Why not? Saddam is gone and headed to the gallows, and that’s what we wanted right? So let’s say mission accomplished (for real this time) spend the $20 mil Congress set aside for a victory celebration, and get the fuck outta Dodge!

This may be the only chance we ever get, so let’s not blow it. Pack up the plantation, get the tanks and the humvees on the C-130s, hand back the keys to Abu Ghraib, wish the Iraqis luck with the whole civil war thing, and we can have all the troops home by Christmas! Seriously, this is what we’ve been waiting for; clear out now before another bomb bl…aw shit...never mind, get everybody together and make a run for the border Taco Bell style!

We gave it our best shot. Three and a half years of our best half-assed efforts and let's face it, this is as good as it's gonna get. We had some fun, blew some shit up, made some millionaire defense contractors multi-millionaires, and we have created enough crippled veterans to give the VA something to fuck up for another 60 years. What else do we want?

Or we can stick around the sandbox for a little longer, burn a few more hundred billion dollars, send more soldiers through the meat grinder, and listen to the dear leader tell us that we are turning the corner every six months. Just remember, if you turn the corner 4 times you end up right back where you statrted.

It's about competence

2006-11-05T20:32:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what will happen on Tuesday. Most unbiased observers seem to agree that a Democratic takeover in the house is likely, and a takeover in the Senate less so, but not out of the realm of possibilities. While that seems to line up with the general consensus, I have been around for enough elections not to put too much credence in such predictions. Besides nobody ever got rich by underestimating the Democratic Party’s ability to screw itself when all was going their way.

That being said I believe that this country needs a change in the legislative branch like never before. Not because the Democratic Party has earned such an opportunity, but rather because Democracy can only function when there is a healthy opposition. Our constitution is unique in the clear delineation made between the three branches of government and in the amount of faith given to the concept of checks and balances. The president is not a monarch but rather an equal partner in the governing of this nation.

However this administration has made unprecedented power grabs from the legislative branch, power grabs in which the Republican congress has been eagerly complicit. Whatever your position on domestic spying, detention and torture, or war powers may be one thing is clear; the last time the chief executive of this land wielded such concentrated unchecked power he was overthrown in a revolution.

And similar to the King George of old, our current chief executive has governed, for the most part, by fiat. Independent of public opinion and scrutiny he has charted a bewildering course of governance with a rubber-stamp congress in tow. Free of any oversight he has taken this country into an ill-advised Middle Eastern adventure which even by the rosiest views has evolved into a bungled, mishandled quagmire out of which the only victors seem to be those companies with the foresight to bankroll his previous campaign.

It is of interest to note that during WWII (a conflict whose duration is now shorter then the one in which we are currently engaged) a little-known senator from Missouri made his name by chairing a commission that went after war profiteers, and other companies that had bilked the government during the war. Harry Truman investigated them all, Republican or Democrat, and had no compunction to taking down those who were connected to the President. He rightly called such persons traitors and as a result of his commission many of those under scrutiny went to jail. Today Truman would be shouted down by the right-wing noise machine as unpatriotic, and as unsupportive of the troops, while those who profit by putting those same troops at risk lobby for tax reform so that they may save their ill gotten gains.

And what of those who directed this Arabian misadventure. For getting almost every aspect of the war wrong (WMDs, the amount of troops needed, the support of the Iraqi people, the lack of any post-invasion planning, how long do I need to go on?) not only are they not run out of town on the rails but they are showered with praise and awards by the commander in chief and his lackeys on the hill. When they predicted that we would be greeted with flowers and parades perhaps this is to what they were referring.

The Democratic Party is complicit only in their inability to run a presidential candidate that was even the slightest bit presidential. With an iron clad grip on all functions of government for the past six years the sorry state of this nation is the result of unchecked Republican arrogance, nothing else. Given the lack of any other option the only place to turn is to the Democrats, because this congress has failed on every front to keep the wild and dangerous ambitions of this president in check. Like a small child in a Toys R’ Us, from time to time the chief executive must be told no, instead this congress has bought him everything he has desired and we get to pay the bill, both in dollars and in blood.

While the Democratic Party has made a coherent argument for legislative oversight, and of the return of competence to government, the only refuge the Republicans have in turn is childish name-calling, personal attacks, and fear mongering. These are the last-ditch efforts of an organization in full-on panic mode. Without reason, common sense, or the facts on their side they throw the kitchen sink hoping that even though the majority of Americans don’t even know who Nancy Pelosi is, if they can call her a an unpatriotic liberal who doesn’t support the troops, that will be what sticks. Hoping in the end that by waving the flag and tugging on patriotic heartstrings most Americans will realize the only way to support the troops is by re-electing those who put them in harms way, and placing a yellow ribbon on the back of an SUV getting 15 mpg.

The shrinking middle class, corprate greed, a growing and invasive theocracy, rampant political corruption, Katrina, the inaccessibility of health care, the denial of science in all realms educational, medicinal, and environmental are all good reasons in and of themselves to kick out the Republican congress on Tuesday. But greater than all those reasons is competence and accountability. For many years now the Republican Party has run on the idea that government should be run like a business. Well what if it was? With all that has gone on in the last six years the United States’ stock price would be trading at record lows today. And the stockholders of any such company would have jettisoned the CEO and the board a long time ago.

Democracy demands accountability, the nation demands competence. Our government has given us neither, and thus deserves to be replaced.

Quick hit

2006-10-19T14:07:00.000-05:00

Honestly, would a dirty bomb going off at the game be the worst thing to happen to the packers this season? At this point it could only help.

Shoppin'

2006-10-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

OK, pop quiz asshole...You've just run out of light bulbs, toilet paper, underwear, and junk food. What do you do? What do you do?

Well if you're me you hop in the Kimchee-powered love machine and point it towards the nearest Tar-jay which is exactly what I did last Saturday afternoon. I always get this feeling of well-being and superiority when I shop at Target. Perhaps because my liberal sentimentalities have all but pushed me out of Wally World (that, and the Wal-Mart nearest me is a Shithole with a capitol S) However I realize that this sense of enlightenment is misplaced. After all Target is owned by a monstrously large and evil corporation that kills local businesses, oppresses it's workers, and depresses the economy by offering little more than no-benefit, minimum wage serfdom to its employees, just like the Bentonville behemoth. But Dayton-Hudson is a slightly smaller corporation, plus Target has cooler shit, so I am gleefully off and running down the aisles with my soon to be filled cart.

I am cruising the small grocery corner looking for the $1.99 gallon of milk when I hear the plaintive wail of the overworked, overstressed, underappericated, North American Mom. "No Tyler, no" I heard in a hoarse and lifeless voice as I saw a blur rush past me. The tone and timber of her call told me all I needed to know. The adorable little moppet she was trying to corral had sucked all the joy and zest out of her life leaving nothing behind but enormous bags under eyes that could be seen from space. AS I turned I saw that Tyler was not her only charge that day. She had an infant in the cart, and what appeared two toddlers plodding behind her periodically calling "mommy, mommy" to no avail.

She must have been beautiful in her former life with shimmering blonde hair, and perky breasts that she would show with great enthusiasm for all the frat boys at Sigma Kai in hops of getting a free shot. but now those breasts had sagged, taking the butterfly tattoo with them on their journey south. The tattoo, which was once a reminder of a drunken night in Cancun now hung, lifeless, waiting for the next mammogram. That once volumious blonde hair shimmered no more as it swung behind her in a hastily tied pony tail.

I felt for this woman, I really did, there was great sadness in her eyes. However these emotions quickly came to a stop as the blur returned darting in front of my cart, forcing me to make a sudden stop to avoid crushing little Damian...I mean Tyler. Haggard mom saw this and quickly apologized in a mournful voice that almost seemed like a recording, as if this was the umpteenth time she had apologized for her son that day. "No problem" I replied "I'm a teacher" I added in the hopes of making her feel more at-ease. Her lifeless eyes suddenly lit up as she asked "Oh, what kind?" As if on cue little Tyler returned toting a large glass bottle (seriously, where the fuck did he find this? Have you been in a store lately? Everything is plastic, there's almost no glass left. Nevertheless Tyler found it) Predictably the glass slipped from Tyler's stubby little fingers and plummeted to linoleum where it smashed into a million pieces. Silence for a beat before I said "high school" and moved on.

University news

2006-09-09T11:19:00.000-05:00

According to the news the alma mader (ring out ahoya!!) is mandating all students complete an alcohol course as a requirement for graduation. Thus joining some 400 other instutions of higher education doing the same. Some questions from the final...

-Beer before liquor, never been ________

-When visiting a dive bar frequented by bikers should you, or should you not order an appletini? Explain.

-After a long night of PBR and Tequila shots your roommate Brian decides that he is going to go streaking. He is quite adamant about this, and it reaches the point where only physical force will stop him. You have two items available to you; a pair of handcuffs, and a digital camera. You may only use one. Which do you use and why?

-Tom and Mary meet at a party. Mary has been there one hour and has had three 12oz. beers. Now Mary is 5'8, and 130 pounds. She had a bagel for breakfast, a granola bar around 2:00, and a large salad with Italian dressing for dinner. At this rate how many more beers will Tom have to give Mary before she agrees to go home with him?

We're number-hic-one

2006-08-24T20:11:00.000-05:00

So Milwaukee is the "Drunkest city in America" All those who are shocked please raise your hands. Anyone...anyone? Buller...Buller? Now I know why I live here because anywhere else would consider me a raging alcoholic, here I'm a "social drinker"

Anyway I know I'm the last of the small blogging commune we have here to post this tidbit, but I am the only one with the Lewis Black quote.

"I love Wisconsin. I love coming here. I perform here a lot, because I've discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. It's - you're insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country. Nobody pays less for liquor than you! What'd you, wh- ho- HOW? I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money, or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fucking insane. It's unbe-fuckin'-lievable. It's staggering! I come here 'cause basically if I spend four days here drinking, even with the plane ticket it's cheaper than drinking in New York! How do you know when it's New Year's? That's the big mystery to me! What's the difference? I've been in bars here, and it's like New Year's every fuck night! Oh, New Year's, that's when w-w-we drink with hats on. Now I've been drunker here than any place else I've been in my life. And remember this: you are not, you are not alcoholics. You, and my hat is off, are professionals" - Lewis Black.

Now I'm off to Club Brady for their $10 bottomless mug night to celebrate in style!!

Friday plane porn

2006-08-21T01:53:00.000-05:00

No Friday plane porn last week because I was away and had no regular access to computers. But there is reason to celebrate now. The first picture on Friday plane porn that was taken by yours truly. Yes, for the first time I can post plane pics and not look over my shoulder for the copyright police. So without further delay I present to you a United 777 backing away from the gate in Denver on its way to Honolulu.

Christ that sucks!!! Well what do you expect? This was taken with my cell phone. Anyway I love the T7, just a great plane. United sucks however. Flying coach on United makes you long to be a Jew on your way to Dachau, but the T7 rocks!

Friday plane porn

2006-08-06T16:25:00.000-05:00

Running, no time...So here is a pic of a 747.

Ummm...

2006-08-03T20:04:00.000-05:00

Saw this on CNN about 20 minutes ago, speaks for itself.

CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) -- A man accused of sexually assaulting nine boys with physical or mental disabilities told a judge that having sex with children is a sacred ritual protected by civil rights laws.

Phillip Distasio, who said he is the leader of a church called Arcadian Fields Ministries, represented himself at his pretrial hearing Wednesday. He is charged with 74 counts including rape, pandering obscenity to minors and corrupting another with drugs.

"I'm a pedophile. I've been a pedophile for 20 years," he said in Cuyahoga County Common Pleas Court Wednesday. "The only reason I'm charged with rape is that no one believes a child can consent to sex. The role of my ministry is to get these cases out of the courtrooms."

Yeeeaahhhhh, the article goes on from there, and I'm noticing a pattern. There are never any atheistic or agnostic child molesters. They always seem to be priests, Cub Scout leaders, (who are not allowed to be non-religious) or leaders of wacko sects. Even when pedophiles turn out to be average Jon Does their first line of defense is that they are good, church-going Christians. So is there something about believing in God that makes people find 13 year-old boys smokin' hot?

I don't have an answer to that question, I'm merely releasing it into the ether.

Wiki wiki wack

2006-08-03T16:56:00.000-05:00

I have discovered the greatest tool for time wasting ever. At least the greatest that does not require lotion, and a box of tissues. I am, of course, referring to the random article button on Wikipedia. I recently discovered Wikipedia in all its awesomeness, information on every possible subject, a virtual cornucopia of useless knowledge containing almost 1.3 million articles at last check and growing by the thousands every day. Now I understand that Wikipedia is written and edited by literally thousands of people with their own agendas, and this can lead to biased information sneaking in. But that bias is easy to spot, and sometimes it can be downright hilarious therefore adding to the whole experience.

But by far and away the best feature is the random article button because it can take you to articles that you never would have looked for yourself, and this has added considerably to my own useless knowledge reserves. For instance; bios of obscure Canadian politicians, (Is there another kind?) Argentine soap operas, detailed demographics for every pissant South Dakota farming town, and a team-by-team, season-by-season breakdown of the Israeli soccer league. (I've put 500 Sheckels on Hapoel Tel Aviv to take the State Cup this year, and if they don't then oy, is the world just messhuginah I'm telling you!)

I can sit for hours just pressing the random button and feeding on whatever comes up. Some of it is interesting, most of it is not. So I tend to skip through some articles at the same speed that I flip through the block of Jesus stations when I am channel surfing. As a matter of fact that gives me an idea. I hereby coin the term...

Wikisurfing (wee/kee'/sur/fing) V: The act of randomly clicking through Wikipedia pages at a high rate of speed. Ex. I was Wikisurfing when I saw a picture of your mom on the crack whore page. Past: Wikisurfed

I've gotta go now, Webster's will be calling any minute.

Cudahy + Alcohol =

2006-08-03T09:23:00.000-05:00

'Nuff said

Friday plane porn

2006-07-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

I don't know whay I have been so lethargic about this blog lately. I have started and stopped many different pieces recently but I cant seem to get them going. My muse will return soon, and when it does this space will be flooded.

In the meantime enjoy this picture of a Canadian North 737-200 taken on Baffin Island. Look at the snow, all the pretty, cold snow. Christ I hate summer!

Friday plane porn

2006-07-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry, I missed plane porn last week. It was just to damn hot, too hot to do anything productive including writing. It was the kind of week that had you thinking about

Anyway this week I want to show you a plane, of sorts. This guy in Belfast built a replica of an Iberia A340-600 out of Lego, and I think you'll agree it's pretty cool.

This guy managed to beat the one thing that always pissed me off about Lego, the fact that when you were finished building something it looked nothing like what the object would look like in real life. Absurd looking planes, one seater cars, and all those smiles. Seriously what is it with Lego people and the smiling, didn't anything bad ever happen to them? No Lego chick ever slept with her Lego husband's Lego half brother and had Lego children of their own? Then he would go to the Lego pawn shop, get a Lego gun, shoot the Lego bitch and the Lego half brother, go to Lego court where his Lego public defender would sleep through the Lego trial after which the guy would go to Lego jail where he would get Lego fucked in the ass by his Lego cellmate Ingemar (Lego is from Denmark after all, just keeping it real.) Would he be smiling after that, I don't think so!

Anyway the guy did a good job, here is the real thing for comparison.

Friday plane porn

2006-07-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

Given the place that the most secretive country has taken in the news this week, Friday plane porn takes a look at the most secretive airline in the world...The national airline of North Korea, Air Koryo.

Yes North Korea does have an airline...of sorts. Air Koryo flies from Pyongyang airport to destinations like Beijing, Shenyang, Macao, Vladivostok, and Bangkok. However instead of multiple flights daily the frequencies are more on the order of a few times a week. The airline uses a mix of classic Soviet aircraft like this IL-62 pictured here

The IL-62 has mostly disappeared mostly from the aviation scene, even Russian airliners don't fly it anymore. But given Air Koryo's light schedule these planes have barely any wear on them at all! Air Koryo pulls into Beijing with the aviation equivalent of a '65 Mustang in mint condition, and less than 30K on the odometer. All politics aside, that's pretty bangin'!

So if your travel plans include the Stalinist Disneyland that is North Korea, think Air Koryo. And check out this video of an Air Koryo flight to Beijing. Nothing shocking, just a good look inside one of these old beauties.

http://www.flightlevel350.com/Aircraft_Ilyushin_Il-62-Airline_Air_Koryo_Aviation_Video-2320.html

Five stages

2006-07-07T13:54:00.000-05:00

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The five stages of grief, and the life of a Braves fan. In the past month I have gone through all of those stages as I have contemplated the utterly spectacular collapse of the warriors of the Chatthoochee, turning the Ted into a highbrow shit farm. For a long time I simply did not look at the sports page. Why should I? There was nothing in there but bad news, depressing news, stick a revolver into your mouth kind of news.

The denial was easy, simply stop paying attention until they started winning again, while periodically sticking my fingers in my ears and singing lalala lalala can't hear you lalala lalala. Next came the anger, this is where my Chris Reitsma voodoo doll came from. The more saves he blew the closer the needles got to his crotch. (I really had some issues) The bargaining was just that, believing that Shurholtz would trade our way out of this pit. (Is Fred McGriff still available?) Eventually it got to the point of searching the Atlanta yellow pages for a fung shui expert to go over Turner Field with a fine toothed comb.

Then the depression hit hard. I started making bets with myself as to how many runs the new Richmond flavor of the week would give up, and weather or not he would curl up into the fetal position on the mound before Bobby would have to waddle out onto the field yet again. Finally acceptance arrived and I owned up to the fact that I was the fan of a bad baseball team. In a strange way it was liberating. No more constant trips to ESPN.com, no more rushing home to catch Baseball Tonight, my October would belong to me and me alone...I was free.

Then the Bravos won 5 of their last 7, taking 2 out of 3 against the Cardinals no less. Chipper is batting over .300 again, Giles is riding a 9-game hit streak, and somehow the bullpen isn't blowing it the way they used to. Could this be the rebound from rock bottom? Perhaps the season isn't over after all. Or perhaps I have simply regressed back to the denial stage.

Friday plane porn

2006-07-02T13:12:00.000-05:00

Yes I am aware it's Sunday, however Friday was a drinking day. I had Tickets to see Pearl Jam and Tom Petty at Summerfest, so I spent Friday afternoon looking for the bottom of a bottle. Saturday wasn't much better as I needed time to recover from the aforementioned bottle search and screaming "American Girl" at the top of my lungs.

Anyway on to the reason why you're here. US Airways is really an amalgam of several carriers swallowed up by a larger parent company and smushed together into one airline. Recently US is paying homage to its heritage by painting several of its planes in the classic colors of its predecessors. One such example is this A-319 painted in the old Piedmont livery.

I remember Piedmont very well (it only died out in the late 80's) Based in North Carolina they had a route network that stretched from California to Europe. Then they got bought out by USAir and ceased to exist. Since most of my family is based in the Tar Heel state, I flew them often. I remember that they used to serve a full meal on a 55 minute flight, and had something that they gave to kids called "Piedmont Punch" (really Hi-C in a different can) To this day in one of the closets in my grandmothers house is a collection of Piedmont wings, gliders and tons of other shawag that they would give to snot nosed brats to shut them up. Not that I know any.

World Cup news

2006-06-24T18:10:00.000-05:00

Rioting broke out today between English and German soccer fans. Angry soccer fans, really? You don't say. In other news; Catholic Pope takes a shit with a bear in the woods.

Voting rights act

2006-06-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

For anyone who doubts that the Republican Party has completely lost touch with reality I draw your attention to the events of this week. In their position of unchallenged power over the three branches of government the Republicans have blocked or stalled many useful pieces of legislation and reform that would greatly benefit the American people, this weeks victim; the Voting Rights Act.

You read that correctly, the Voting Rights Act.

Little background here, up until the passage of the Voting Rights Act in the 1960's there was no specific law that prevented African-Americans, or any other group a community deems undesirable for that matter, from voting. However there was no law that guaranteed their right to vote either. So many places, mainly in the south, could use a variety of measures to keep blacks, indians, and others from the polls. These included poll taxes, literacy tests, grandfather clauses, and good old fashioned bullying; it worked too. The Voting Rights act changed all that and deemed all barriers to allowing people to vote illegal. Good idea right?

Wrong. When the act came up for renewal this week the Rs shot it down in a straight party-line vote for reasons beknownst only to them and their Fox News addled brains. You figure this one out I'm tired.

Hey look there's Condi Rice walking behind the Dear Leader wearing an apron and head scarf calling him masser!

Friday plane porn

2006-06-23T16:29:00.000-05:00

Friday plane porn is here, let the peasantry produce spontaneous demonstrations of joy throughout the land.

This week we feature the newest jet aircraft to ply the skies, the Embraer 190.

The E-190 as it is known is the latest version of regional jet, or "RJ" as they are known in the industry. These are small jets, carrying 100 passengers or less, that fly from large hubs to smaller cities, routes that up until a few years ago were flown by turboprops.

Embraer, a Brazilian company, is one of the leading manufacturers of RJs, and the E-170/190 line just started flying last year. JetBlue was the launch customer, ordering more than 100 of the type.

Yup

2006-06-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

Found in the AJC this morning, by cartoonist Mike Lukovich:

Suicide watch

2006-06-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

Braves 1 Red Sox 4, the 15'th loss in 18 games. For those of you wondering; yes, I've noticed. However for a long long time I was in denial. Lying in the bathtub with my fingers in my ears while the Braves shit the bed, and what an impressive pile of shit it is!. Anyhow I have moved from the denial stage, skipped past anger and gone straight to depression.

The Brew Crew have screwed things up pretty royally too, so to satisfy my sports cravings I turned to...gulp...soccer, and our own 5'th ranked United States soccer team, surely they will deliver satisfaction. Yeah, I'm going to go find a gun now.

Friday plane porn

2006-06-17T01:41:00.000-05:00

Give the people what they want.

Today's pic is a prime example of an oh shit moment.

What you see is not as bad as it looks however. The American 767-200 (the one in flames) is not a regular scheduled flight, but rather is in for maintenance and is having it's engines tested. (for good reason apparently) Nevertheless this result was not expected and caused quite a few people to need a change of underpants. Can you imagine what it must be like to be the pilot on the New Zealand 747-400 taxing there, trying to calm the nerves of passengers? "uhhhh...on your left you will see another aircraft going up in a ball of flames. Oh the humanity, blah blah blah, now on to Auckland.

Also last week I stated that the A-380 would make it's first commercial flight later this year. Yeah, about that...Airbus announced this week that there were yet more problems with the A-380 development and that it would be spring 2007 at the earliest when the first A-380 would carry passengers. This is not the first delay as the A-380 was originally supposed to be ready last year. Airlines are less than pleased and Airbus stock has taken a nosedive as a result.

All that and I still think it's ugly!

Irony is...

2006-06-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

...a black sedan parked in front of my building, with the license plate "4CASTR" that has obvious severe hail damage. Didn't see it coming, did you buddy?

Friday plane porn

2006-06-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

OK Mark, note the time, I got it in. Today's subject is perhaps the most over-hyped airliner ever. This aircraft has dominated, DOMINATED the aircraft development news for at least a decade now, without flying a single passenger. I'm talking of course about the Airbus A-380.

After years of development the 380 will enter commercial service in November of this year with Singapore Airlines. This aircraft is so heavily louded because it will be the first full double decker airliner, with the capacity to carry up to 900 passengers (in all economy class). Airline owners, like a certian British knight, promised onboard bars, casinos, even staterooms (Helllooo mile high club) However the truth is much more boring. Most 380s will seat 600 in a standard 3-class configuration. And on the inside it will look...well...like any other plane.

Personally I think it looks like a Beluga with wings. No style at all. Unlike the 747 (see previous plane porn) which cuts a classy profile. In short the A-380 is not going to shock the world, nor will it revolutionize air travel as we know it. It's just a very big plane.

6-6-06

2006-06-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

So doday is June 6, 2006 the supposed devils day, what with the 666 and all. But I didn't feel any difference. However this morning I looked in my freezer and I found some waffles that I didn't know I had, so I assume they were the devil's waffles. How do I know that they were the devil's waffles? Cause they were blueberry. They were good too. Mmmmmm, satanic waffles, gaaaawwwwwwww!

Bread and circuses

2006-06-06T13:54:00.000-05:00

So here is the current state of the nation as I understand it.

-We are engrossed in another nations civil war halfway around the world. A war which has thus far taken 2500 American lives, several hundred billion dollars, and with no end in sight it promises to take more.

But boys are kissing.

-We are engaging in mutual saber rattling with a large, potentially nuclear, power in the same neighborhood. A nation with which all diplomatic attempts at a solution have thus far failed.

But boys are kissing.

-Skyrocketing energy prices are having a real effect on the economy, and are pinching those who can least afford it. While the government/oil companies (are they really separate entities anymore?) give us platitudes about global instability (see above) and supply and demand, the oil companies rake in unprecedented, tax-free, profits.

But boys are kissing.

-The scope of last years unmitigated disaster in New Orleans is still not understood by our leaders. The refugee crisis within our own borders is ignored while we look for someone to blame. Oh, and by the way...it's hurricane season again.

But boys are kissing.

-And speaking of borders, as recently as last week we were kept in a frothing lather about our borders which are apparently as porous as a Louisiana levee. We were told this was a crisis, yes a crisis, that needed immediate attention.

But boys are kissing.

-We live in the richest country in the world, with the finest health care to boot. Yet a large and growing number of our fellow citizens are unable to afford even the most basic of medical services.

But boys are kissing.

-And all the while Osama Bin Laden (remember him?) sits in a cave thumbing his nose at us.

But boys are still kissing.

Must be an election year.

Give the people bread and circuses

Friday plane porn

2006-06-02T18:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the wait. This week Friday plane porn goes old school, cuz we don't shy away from the aging beauties.

This week we have a Delta L-1011. The L-1011 was a magnificent medium to long range aircraft that has mostly disappeared from the skies. The L-1011 is frequently confused with the DC-10 made by the Douglas aircraft company and debuting at the same time in the early 70's. However their birth is where the similarities end. While many DC-10s wound up as smoldering pieces of wreckage due to their own faulty design, the 1011 was rewound for its safety record. in fact to this day there are only 3 fatal incidents involving 1011s and all of them can be traced to weather or pilot error.

Today most 1011s have been retired, and Lockheed has gone out of the commercial airplane business. There are still some bouncing around flying charters in Africa and Asia.

Local news

2006-05-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

I don't usually watch local news, which is unusual considering I spent the majority of my life plotting and scheming to get a job in said industry. However time passed and I have soured on the format based on the fact that its not about news. Seriously it's 20 minutes of water skiing squirrels wedged in between pharmaceutical commercials showing senior citizens running around acting like second graders with ADHD because of ziskjyd, or bilixidil. As if they had been living in a cage in a basement somewhere before Merk set them free.

But today I caught the first few minutes of a certain local newscast, I won't say which one but I will say that there are 4 yes 4 beers left in my fridge at the moment. They were talking about another of Milwaukee's finest who was charged with first-degree homicide in the morning, then went home and blew his blew his brains out in the afternoon. There was nothing left to do but...do a live shot in front of the house. Yes this station started their newscast by showing a reporter standing in front of the house of the deceased officer and even gave out the address. Now as if that wasn't bad enough they then did a live interview, right there, with the girlfriend of the person this guy was accused of killing and asked the question "how do you feel now that he's dead?" to which she replied that she was happy that this guy killed himself. All of this in front of the friggin house.

At that point I turned off the TV because I needed a shower.

Friday plane porn

2006-05-26T08:43:00.000-05:00

OK the rents are in town and I haven't had time to do anything with this blog since last Friday. However have no fear as Friday plane porn is here!!! Wooooo.

This is an Air France A340-300 landing in St. Maarten. The end of the runway is just beyond that fence there, which makes this beach heaven for people who like to spot planes.

Up 'nort

2006-05-19T10:36:00.001-05:00

Going camping up north this weekend. Going rafting in the 50 degree weather, sleeping in a tent, and getting muy, muy, muy blitzed.

And remember; what happens north of highway 10, stays north of highway 10

Friday plane porn

2006-05-19T07:26:00.000-05:00

It's Friday!! And you know what that means...

This week we have an example of an Air India Boeing 777. The triple seven as it is commonly known, has been flying for more than a decade. A long range aircraft, it is used on a lot of trans-Pacific, trans-Atlantic routes. Air India is from...you guessed it, India. And in a world where airlines frequently change their liveries, AI's scheme has remained unchanged for more than 50 years. The little mogul-style touches above every window make this a very identifiable airline. Note the English titles on the side and the Hindi on the tail, the pattern is reversed on the other side of the aircraft.

As Boise goes...

2006-05-18T18:20:00.000-05:00

The dear leader is down, waayyyy down. According to several different polls he is between 29-31% approval. For the record that's worse than Nixon the week before he resigned. However there are a few places still left (three states to be exact; Idaho, Wyoming, and Utah) where people think that Bush is just swell and well gosh darn golly gee is he doing one heckuva job. There is now a new map to identify these people...

TWIB

2006-05-18T16:22:00.000-05:00

Baseaball beena berry berry good to me. Indeed this has been a very good week on the diamond. Both of my teams are riding their own 4-game win streaks at this moment. And my beloved Braves have taken 8 out of their last 10 to propel themselves above .500.

The Bravos have really kicked it in to high gear recently. Recognizing the fact that the pitching this year has ranged from mediocre all the way down to a level known as "are you fucking kidding me!" the bats have really carried this team thus far. Leading the pack is last years rookie sensation Jeff Francouer who has moved past his dismal start to rack up 10 homers and 36 RBIs of late.

This guy was 11 when I graduated high school

And let us not forget my namesake Chipper who knocked a 3-run walk-off dinger last night, continuing his meteoric rise from the DL. and who would have guessed at the start of the season that a rookie catcher from Athens would be leading the NL in batting average. This is what a team looks like when it is firing on most of its cylinders, and a great deal of credit has to go to Terry Pendleton who as hitting coach has kept the Braves in contention.

Turns out TP is just as good in the dugout

The Brew Crew on the other hand is also doing well. I've said it before and I'll say it right now...Prince Fielder is a fucking stud, and there is nobody else who could even contend for rookie of the year honors right now. I also have to give some props to Geoff Jenkins, I have never been a big Jenkins fan, his propensity to go into prolonged droughts have soured me on the lad. However this year he seems to be hitting with some consistency and I am starting to come around on him. However, as with the Braves, pitching is where it all goes screwy. Is Ben Sheets ever going to come close to being what was promised to Brewer fans? If the DL were a place I think he should buy a house and run for office there.

It wouldn't be Brewers baseball if this guy were actually pitching

Elephant droppings

2006-05-18T09:10:00.000-05:00

So I know what you're thinking; why should I care about the attempt to insert bans against gay marriage into the constitution? After all I'm straight, and while I don't hold anything against gay people, I'm really not going to get worked up about this issue. Well aside from the fact that all discrimination is wrong no matter who is being discriminated against, it is once again the Christian Gestapo telling us who and how we are allowed to love, telling us how we may define what is family, and telling us how we may behave in our own homes.

However it hasn't stopped there. In Black Jack MO, the town is working on a plan to evict all those people living within the town who are living together and not married. They are using an arcane law concerning occupancy rules to accomplish this fact with the full blessing of the mayor and the town council, good Christians all no doubt. So there is your slippery slope. First it was the gays, whom nobody cares about, then we go after those living in sin. An idea that is likely to spread and be embraced by those who hold power in this country.

So when will they come after you? What skeletons do you have in your closet? What do you do when the door is shut? Or more prudently what is on your computer? Think the government would never interfere in your personal business? How wonderfully naive.

"First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a unionist.
Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me."
Pastor Martin Niemaller

Every time I hear somebody who defines themselves as a Republican rail against the evils of big government I want to scream. In what possible way could government intrude into your life in a more personal or private manner then such as this. In the political climate of today it is possible to be a conservative, and it is possible to be a Republican, but the two are now mutually exclusive. The Falwells, Dobsons, and Robertsons of this world have succeeded in their attempt in completely dominating the GOP. Even former maverick John McCain recognizes this new reality as we saw recently, when he went down to Liberty University to supplicate himself before the dark lord. The hallmarks of limited government and personal liberty, that have always been the cornerstone of consertvative ideology are no longer valued by the ones who claim its mandate. If you are a conservative I don't know what you do or where you go, but one thing is for sure...you no longer have a home in the Republican Party.

Mil-ee-wah-kay, which is Algonquin for "the good land"

2006-05-17T17:25:00.000-05:00

First off that line is bullshit. Although the original pronouncation is indeed Mil-ee-wah-kay it's not Algonquin it's Menominee. And it doesn't mean the good land either, it means land of many rivers. Just goes to show that you shouldn't depend on Alice Cooper for your American history tutorials.

I have been thinking recently, does anyone ever intend to end up in Milwaukee? Do they plan on it? Plotting and scheming to spend the rest of their lives plaintively waiting for the Brewers to hit .500? If so I've never met that person. Most people were either born here or they just ran out of gas on 94 one day. Next thing you know 10-20 years have gone by and these people are sitting next to you at Webb's wearing a Packers jacket, and ordering the bacon scrambler while unconsciously throwing about phrases like "ya der" or "you betcha" as they discuss the state of the Marquette construction, or the latest aldermanic indictment. Milwaukee is like the mafia to Al Pacino in Godfather III "Every time I try to leave they keep pulling me back in"

So here I am in the midst of my second tour of duty here in the Brew city and pondering, at the same time, how I once again ended up here on the western shore of Lake Michigan, and what my future holds for me? Will it be door #1, the international school route, a fabulous life spent drunkenly tripping through the capitols of Europe while tutoring the spoiled scions of diplomats and CEO's alike. Or will it be door #2, remaining in Milwaukee, hopefully moving into a craftsman bungalow in Tosa from which I depart every day to once again attempt to entertain the brain-dead masses that make up the bulk of American public school students.

So I am feeling more than a small amount of ennui about my future. Here I am pursuing my second choice of career, yet I am not assured of success in that endeavor. Yet even if I do succeed, what then? I still have no clue what I want out of life, the only thing I am sure of is what is beyond my reach. The fact that there is only myself to consider gives me a great deal of freedom in choosing where to live, but there are times that I long to be attached to someone else and have their needs factor into the decisions that I have to make. At least then there would be some certainties. I think what is chasing me is that whatever I decide to do, wherever I decide to go here will be this cloud of loneliness that will always chase me and dwell over me and perhaps that is why I feel stuck all the time, and would continue to feel stuck no matter where I go.

Hmm, going deep tonight

Oh my god...

2006-05-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

One of the best Family Guy episodes ever! Fuckin' hysterical!

-(As Moses)"Allright, listen up, before we go any further I'm going to lay down a few rules:
Commandment #1 Shut the hell up.
Commandment #2 There's nothing I can do about the sun."

-(African newscast) "Coming up in this half-hour, flies on your face. How many is too many? But first, that orange thing in the sky; what is it? And what can you do to please it?"

-"After that Nate devoted his life to getting back at the white man for the injustice of slavery, by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles."

This one's staying on the TIVO for a while.

Friday plane porn

2006-05-12T10:30:00.000-05:00

As promised the Friday plane porn is now a regular feature. This week we feature A Korean Air 747-400 landing in Los Angeles, gliding over the In-N-Out franchise that is well known among airplane geeks for obvious reasons. Seriously if it wasn't for A.net that place would shutter up within a week.

Back to the plane. The 747 is a timeless aircraft: graceful, elegant, and still the queen of the skies. (cuz the A-380 is just ugly as hell) And I like the Korean Air livery, in a world where many airlines just paint their planes white and forget about it, Korean Air brings a welcome splash of color. The airline itself is improving as well, once the owner of a safety record that was more shaky than an epileptic with parkinsons, Korean Air has now gone more than seven years without killing anybody. Way to go!

Light at the end of the tunnel

2006-05-11T20:42:00.000-05:00

It's not done yet, but all the big hurdles have been conquered. All that's left is to throw together my binder for my professor to look at at 3:00 tomorrow. Then I'm free, free!

All this means that I am definitely going to need a DD for kickball. Any takers?

On language

2006-05-09T14:55:00.000-05:00

A rant I wrote in the pre-blog era, recently transformed into a reflection...enjoy

Language is a funny thing. Simply changing from one language to another can change the meaning of a sentence entirely. French, for example, is often referred to as the language of love. Supposedly you could describe, in graphic detail, the art of making haggis and as long as it was in French you could make almost anybody run red hot. On the other hand there is no language that conveys anger better than German. Had Hitler and the Nazis been speaking Swahili they would never had been able to pull off half the stuff that they did, if for no other reason than because very few Germans can speak Swahili!

I've been thinking about language recently because I was awoken at seven one Saturday morning by two men standing in front of my building arguing in Mandarin. Allow me to emphasize this; at seven on a Saturday morning, a random sidewalk in front on a non-descript Milwaukee apartment building became the scene for a pitched battle of wills for two men from the middle kingdom. Had I been capible of emotions at this point in the morning surprise would have definitely been at the top of the list.

At first I thought I was dreaming, perhaps flashing back to some time when I actually was in China. Next the thought occurred to me that this was the dog that lived with the morons across the street. This dog (for a slight tangent) cannot breathe without barking at decibel levels on par with a landing DC-9. The 4 people who live in this house, whose combined I.Q. maxes out at 86, like to let said canine out frequently (I wouldn’t want it in the house either) most often at 3:30 in the morning. I thought perhaps my brain was so sick of that damn mutt that it had, on a subconscious level converted his utterings into something, anything else! Thirdly and finally, with the cobwebs starting to clear and thought returning to my head, I begin to ask the obvious question JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE!!!

I leap out of bed cursing my god of the month "Damn you Ra" I cried as I stumbled towards the bookcase. I pulled off my well-worn Lonely Planet China guide and quickly flipped to the language section in the back looking for "shut up", "fuck off", or anything disparaging about their mothers. Alas the guidebook's language section is cleaner than a Mormon prayer meeting. I could have shouted "one ticket to Xi'an please" or "do you have an English menu?" But that just didn't fit the mood. I also looked for "your personal squabble is a sign of western decadence and is inconsistent with the socialist policies of ChairmanMao!" On all counts Lonely Planet failed me, and if you don't have the little red book handy to wave that last phrase is pretty much meaningless anyway.

I rushed to the window to appraise the situation thinking of objects I could throw at the pair, to find only one Chinese person standing below me. He was on a cell phone having a very animated conversation. Now anything sounds animated when you say it in Mandarin. The Chinese appear to be a perpetually pissed-off people, and their language reflects this. Asking directions to the theater sounds like a declaration of war when you say it in Mandarin. Either way weather this guy standing on my sidewalk was talking about how to bake a cake, or how to invade Taiwan, whoever he was talking to was obviously not winning because this schmuck did not come up for a breath of air the entire time. This messed with my plans because there was no sleeping with him below my window and I had iron-clad plans to stay in bed until at least 10:45. This guy had to go!

Just as I was putting on clothes to go down and confront him, he hung up his phone and walked away. Depriving me of the confrontation I had, by this point, so richly deserved. realizing this meant I could sleep again, I conceded defeat and crawled back into bed. Where just before I drifted off to sleep once more, that goddamn dog. Ra curse thee...

Friday plane porn

2006-05-05T09:12:00.000-05:00

In order to bring in and retain new readers here at "The View From Murray Hill" I need more regular features, regular features that people can count on. I have started with the "God 'O the Month Program" and now I offer a new feature every Friday...

Friday Plane Porn

Every Friday tune in here for a picture of a different airliner in a provocative pose. such as...

This week's example is that of a Virgin Atlantic A340-600. Now generally speaking I am more of a Boeing person, but I have always found the A-340 (particularly the stretched -600 version) to be a particularly elegant looking aircraft. The -600 is the longest airliner in service today, and is used primarily for trans-oceanic journeys. And it looks friggin hot!

Sonic

2006-05-04T21:20:00.000-05:00

OK, this is seriously pissing me off. For several months now the airwaves here in Mil-ee-wah-kay have been blanketed with ads for a drive-in burger joint called Sonic. Now having grown up in the Confederacy I am familiar with this chain, and have sampled its wares on many occasions. Nevertheless since I became a refugee here in yankee land I have not been back to one. Now it would seem from watching these endless commercials that Sonic has gone through a major re-branding phase and now offers several new lines of products that I, and every other local fatass, would be eager to try. The problem? The closest Sonic to America's Dairyland is in St. Louis! St. friggin Louis...Cardinals baseball, that big arch looking thingy, and...and...yeah.

Now I have done exhaustive searches on this topic and it seems that this chain is not expanding anytime soon, so why the hell are they advertising here? Not just advertising, but blanket friggin coverage too! Not only is this a bigger tease than every girl I ever dated, but it is an enormous waste of money for this company. Money that could be put into, oh I don't know, expanding!!! Either move here or stop the friggin ads!

I want my cherry limeaide godammit!!

The adventures of the amazing, incredible, flying guinea pig

2006-05-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

For one of my classes I have to write these perodic "reflections" on the teaching profession and our place in it. I use it as a chance to write absurd anicdotes from my time in the chalkboard jungle. Here is an example, vintage Chipper I assure you, that my professor loved. Enjoy!

In retrospect it’s amazing that I want to be a teacher at all considering how I started out in the field. After a long while globetrotting I was back living with my parents while trying to figure out what to do with my life. Since I had nothing better to do I took a job subbing at the local middle school. My first assignment was for seventh grade English, by any standard a baptism by fire.
The day began very calmly, the school secretary welcomed me and showed me to my room, room 25, Mrs. Kebalka’s class. The room was remarkable in that it was completely unremarkable. It was a seventh grade classroom designed by central casting. Various student projects adorned the walls intermingled with inspirational posters cajoling students to read. Along the back wall of the classroom sat Oreo, the class guinea pig, squeaking away in her open plastic bin. I found the assignments for that day and began mentally running through them when I noticed a post-it on the sheet. It said “Warning: the fourth period class can be rowdy, and they have been known to get out of hand.” Prophetic words indeed.

Then I experienced the parade of the Stepford teachers, one by one the other seventh grade teachers would come in to my room and repeat some form of the following dialogue:

ST: Sooo, welcome
Me: Thank you
ST: Do you have everything you need? Did she leave you good instructions
Me: Ummm, I think so, but I was wondering about this…
ST: Great, well watch out for that 4’Th period class, they’re a handful. Call me if you need me.

Usually they would have one foot out the door by the time they uttered the last line, no doubt rushing back to the staff room to get their bets in now that they had surveyed the new guy. By the third time I danced to this song I was starting to develop a complex about this class. Were these kids aliens of some sort? Were they going to tie me up and leave me bound and gagged in the chair? Should I get to the staff room now to put in my own wager? I was starting to sweat.

First period was prep, I had a cup of coffee, read the paper, made sure that Oreo had enough food and water, and waited. Second and third periods came and went. Both were very smooth. Assignments were handed out, work was done, they even laughed at my cheesy jokes (second more than third but hey, what are you going to do?) I was now relaxed. Then the fourth period kids started filing in. I would later learn that of the 22 students in the fourth period class a whopping 10 had IEPs. Yet because of chronic understaffing in the special ed. department there were no aides to help in the classroom.

Along with showing classic ADHD symptoms, Mitchell was a middle school alpha male. Mitchell did not like taking orders from anybody, and he had the ability to start, and lead an insurrection against any teacher he chose. Spartacus with an IEP. And I a sub, a new sub at that, was fresh meat in his eyes. It was clear from the start that this class was going to run differently. Vocab drills dissolved as disinterested students started focusing on other things, namely Mitchell who was enjoying the attention. At this point my classroom management techniques were weak to non-existant, so my attempts to steer the boat back in my direction failed miserably. I handed out the writing assignment as the general din in the classroom grew louder and louder. Students were getting out of their seats and milling about the classroom like it was a break time. Surely I could put a stop to this, and for a few minutes at a time I did, but it would slowly decompose back to a state of chaos that had become the baseline.

“Mitchell sit down!” was uttered so much I could have put it on a loop. Up at the blackboard…“Mitchell sit down!” over by the windows…”Mitchell sit down!” It was no use. I caught myself glancing g at the clock to see just how much time there was in this period. It was when I was helping one of the students who was working on the assignment that I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, Mitchell over by Oreo. I hadn’t fully processed the thought when I heard “Hey Zack, go long!”

At this point, like a car accident, everything went into slow motion. I turned around hearing myself saying “Mmmmiiiiiiitccccchellllllllll, Nooooooooooooooooooo!!” But I was too late, soon Oreo was airborne. No longer encumbered by gravity she sailed across the room, there was nothing to do now but watch. For a split second it was, dare I say, beautiful. Here was this humble, ground dwelling rodent, its body grossly inflated due to constant overfeeding by students and ignorant subs alike. But for a moment she ceased to be this cylindrical mass of fur. As she arced across the room she was now free, graceful, and liberated…for a split second. Then she landed.

Oreo landed on a table and skidded across clear to the other end where she then fell into the lap of a 12-year old girl. As you can imagine the reaction of this girl upon having a large rodent suddenly appear in her lap was not one of mild curiosity. The shriek echoed throughout the whole building, and I am convinced that dogs as far as three towns away stopped in their tracks.
Bedlam, pure bedlam was the result. I turned to Mitchell and said nothing. I said nothing because if I opened my mouth I would surely have used words that would get me fired on the spot. I pointed out the door and in the general direction of the office, and made some sort of mumbling noise, Mitchell got the idea. Fortunately the class was almost over at this point, lunch was next, and I had a referral slip to fill out. I wish I still had it I would like to have it framed. As a postscript everyone thought I had done fairly well, it being my first day and all. Mitchell’s behavior was neither unprecedented nor unexpected, and we would actually go on to have quite a cordial relationship. Mitchell spent the rest of the day in the resource room and had detention for the rest of the week. His parents also had to come in for a conference, I think the office had their number on speed dial. Soon after this incident the special ed. department did find someone to cover the 4’Th period class, a fact for which Mrs. Kebalka was immensely grateful.

The guinea pig was fine.

Plane guy

2006-05-02T23:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah I'm a geek...
But you have to admit, this is a cool picture.

God 'o the month

2006-05-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

This is a new feature that I am starting here on The View From Murray Hill. We are constantly told by the media in this country that it is important to have faith in God, and it is paramount to inflict that faith upon others whenever possible. Now being a lapsed Catholic is quite frankly boring, and my new religion, Evangelical Agnosticism (We don't know, and neither do you...Hallelujiah!) won't allow me to play all the reindeer games the other believers do. So I, your humble reporter, am starting the god 'o the month program.

Each month you can tune in here and find a deity already picked out of the pantheon ready for you to worship. You can pray to them, sacrifice to them, even send them money (through me of course) Then, just when you are tired of said deity, it goes away and another one is selected ready for your adoration.

This is religion for people on the go folks, just the thing for that believer who has no time to settle down in front of an altar and sacrifice a newborn son (We here at The View From Murray Hill will take care of that for you) So without further adieu, the first god 'o the month is....drum roll....

Ra, the Egyptian Sun god.

Might as well start at the top, right? When it comes to ancient Egyptian mythology Ra is the top banana. Ra was everything to the Egyptians, he was the source of all light, heat, and energy. Egyptians believed that when the sun set each night he then crossed the underworld in a boat to come to the other side of the world to rise again the next morning. Thus Ra was the paramount force of creation, and master of life. Although the Egyptians were essentially polythestic there was no question that Ra sat on top, there were even eras when only Ra was worshipped, monotheism at least a thousand years before the Jews came on the scene.

To worship Ra try this little chant...
"Praise be unto thee, O Ra, thou exalted Power, who dost enter into the habitations of Ament, behold [thy] body is temu."
"Praise be unto thee, O Ra, thou exalted Power, who dost enter into the hidden palace of Anubus, behold [thy] body is Khepera."

There you have it, submit to the power of Ra and ye shall be rewarded...maybe. Tune in next month I'm feeling in the mood for something Norse.

Posting accomplished

2006-05-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

For those of you keeping track yesterday (May 1) was the three year anniversary of the end of the war in Iraq. Three years since "Mission Accomplished" put to end that chapter in American history. So happy V-I day everyone! I celebrated by being thankful for the peaceful, prosperous, and democratic nation Iraq has become, a true beacon at the center of the middle east. I then went out to fill my car with all that cheap Iraqi oil that has been flowing like water for the past three years. Then, while driving around on all that cheap gas, I passed an armory and noticed how empty it seemed, what with all the national guard troops at home with their families. All of them no doubt keeping in their memory books the flowers they were greeted with when they marched triumphantly through the streets of Baghdad, Ramahadi, Fallujah...

And then I woke up.

Three years of war and all we have to show for it are 2,400 dead Americans, countless dead Iraqis, 350 billion wasted tax dollars, and unheard of profits for oil companies and defense contractors. Oh well I'm sure we'll have forgotten all about that when we are marching on Tehran. That one has to go better, the Iranians love Americans...right?

My country went to war in Iraq and all I got was this stupid president

Snow job

2006-04-25T10:34:00.000-05:00

Looks like Faux News anchor Tony Snow is set to be the Dear Leader's next press secretary.

This seems like a match made in heaven, after all Snow has been schilling for the White House since day one. The only change is that Snow will be kissing ass in a different office.

See, some of my best friends are black

Happy birthday Bitsy

2006-04-21T11:45:00.000-05:00

Queen Elizabeth II turns 80 today. Which goes to show that having an obscene amount of money, a team of private doctors, and a falanx of servants bowing to your every whim, is no obstacle at all to achieving old age. However with Chucky lurking in the shadows I would watch my back if I were you your majesty. That man will stop at nothing before he achieves the post of "Most Useless Person in the World"

HELLLOOOOOO!

One anachronism greets another

I have nothing to say today

2006-04-20T22:59:00.000-05:00

So here is a picture of Strong Bad

Killing the messenger

2006-04-19T16:10:00.000-05:00

The war in Iraq is a disaster. All my domestic policy initiatives have been shat on by my own party. The rest of the world thinks I'm a joke, and more than two thirds of Americans agree with them. Hmmm...what to do, what to do? I know, can that schmuck who talks to the press.

Buh bye

Who's next? The copier guy?

Sit down and shut up

2006-04-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

So the Braves are done huh? 14 straight division titles coming to a screeching halt under the thunder of the bats at Flushing Meadows. The national media declaring the Braves to be belly up? Ya'know, I think I've seen this movie before. This is the same prediction that many have been making every time the Mets up their payroll to take a run at the division, and to the consternation of pundits everywhwere they fall short EVERY SINGLE TIME!

The prophet of doom chrous seemed to be even louder this year as the Mets payroll blew up like a Baghdad McDonalds to dollar levels that surpass the GDPs of most third-world countries. Yet in the first major test of the season, the recently concluded three game set at Shea, the Bravos once again proved they were the better team. Taking the series from that bunch of Yankee wanna-bees 2-1. Even though this is April, and the season is in its infancy, there was a lot on the line as the Mets have racked up the best record in baseball, and the Bravos have shown cracks galore in a lackluster start to the season.

However those cracks seem to be mending. Terry Pendleton (Bobby Cox's heir apparent) has done wonders as hitting coach, making the Braves a legitmate offensive threat for the first time in...well...ever. Jeff Francouer is finally off the snide, Edgar Rentria is making us forget all about Rafael Furcal, and Andruw Jones is putting up MVP numbers. For his sake let's hope that the rumors of the Gold Club re-opening are untrue.

CHIPPER WHO?

The Pitching is finally coming around as well. Chris Reitsma has been effective in the closers slot, and the starters, who have been stinking up the 'ol ballyard for the first two weeks of the season, seem to finally have their shit together as seen in the back to back complete games pitched byKyle Davies and Tim Hudson.

Hudson and the other starters are finally back on track

Yes it's April. Yes pennants are won and lost in August and September. Yes this does nothing to atone for the perennial post-season collapse. But anything less than a steller performance this wek would have been greeted with flowers and parades from every columnist and talking head in the baseball world-the Braves are dead, rejoyce all!

Hmm, looks like the Daily News is going to have to put the "Chopped!" banner headline back into storage yet AGAIN!

Once a Dukie, always a Dukie

2006-04-18T11:03:00.000-05:00

Memo to the accused: While you want to maintain the presumption of innocence, and follow your mother's advice to always dress nicely when you leave the house. Please remember while the Ralph Lauren look may be de reguer when attending a sailing party in Southhampton, you do not want to go to the big house looking like you just walked out of a J. Crew catalog.

FRESH MEAT!!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

2006-04-17T16:33:00.000-05:00

It was announced recently that Japan was going to take over the leadership of the international whaling council or IWC. Japan pulled this off by essentially buying votes on the 66-member council that monitors whaling. Increased foreign aid packages to countries so desperate for their Yen that they would do anything they said in return. Japan even encouraged nations with no whaling traditions to join the council. Some, such as Mongolia and Mali don't even have a coastline. Because I am sure, that with so few problems of their own all they can think about in Ulaan Baator, and Bamako is how unjust the ban on commercial whaling is.

Normally I am a big supporter of all things Japanese... sushi, anime, moist things hentai, oh yeah I'm down with that. But the Japanese obsession with killing whales is some serious bullshit. Commercial whaling has been banned since 1986, but Japan has been allowed to continue limited whaling for "scientific purposes". However, despite the boon to scientific research that comes from the limited whaling Japan is allowed to do, most of the flesh of said whales winds up on plates in Sushi restaurants.

One could argue here that the Japanese have a cultural connection with whale meat and that means that they should be allowed to continue. Having lived in Japan I can report that is a huge crock. Most people do not eat whale meat, and the government has been forced to take alternative measures to keep the whaling industry happy including putting whale in school lunches, hoping to drum up support. A Japanese burger chain in Hokkaido started selling whale burgers a while back, with government subsidies of course. The weren't even trying to hide the real purpose of the new product saying that their goal was to have the Japanese people re-acquire the taste for whale meat. You know I love bald eagle egg omelets, with spotted owl sausage, and I think that America would love the taste of said dish.

The bottom line is that Japan cannot be trusted to monitor the world's whale population. After all the fisheries minister a few years ago called the minki whale, the most commonly hunted species, "the cockroaches of the sea" This my friends is what will be sitting atop the IWC before very long.

Japanese whaling would be more acceptable if they would only keep to their own waters, however there don't seem to be many whales swimming around in the area...I wonder why? So the Japanese whaling fleets make the trek south to the great southern ocean where in the waters between Antarctica and New Zealand they do most of their "scientific" whaling. This, as you can imagine, gets the Kiwis royally pissed off. And since they are still part of the British Commonwealth, and therefore a monarchy, they really can be royally pissed off.

In taking a page from our own NSA Japan's first order of business will be to change the rules. After all if your behavior does not fit the rules you live under don't change your behavior, change the rules. The first move will be to lift the now 20-year old ban on commercial whaling. And to give all the newly minted IWC countries cover, they will institute a secret ballot.

The limit on Japan's "scientific" whaling is set to go over a thousand this year, most likely the last year such a limit will be in place. There is precious little I or anyone else for that matter can do about it, I just wanted to rant.

Opening week blues

2006-04-10T16:17:00.000-05:00

A bullpen! A bullpen! My kingdom for a bullpen!

Also if Joey Devine's lifeless body is found floating down the 'Hooch nobody knows anything...got it?

Opening day!

2006-04-03T12:55:00.000-05:00

Fuck the robins, fuck the lillys the true first sign of spring is finally here. Today is the opening day for Major League Baseball. I am such a twitter that my nipples have grown to the size of Barry Bonds' shrunken nads!!

Play ball!!!

Peer pressure

2006-03-28T23:28:00.000-06:00

Everybody else is doing it so...

You are a
Social Liberal
(86% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(13% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Yay Socialism!!

Choo choooo

2006-03-14T15:29:00.000-06:00

One of the items in the news today is about the deaf Miss Texas dying when she was hit and killed by a train. Now obviously this is a tragedy but I need to make the obvious point here, If you are deaf... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WALKING ON AN ACTIVE TRAIN LINE!?!

Whew, now that's off my chest. Natural selection is alive and well people, so watch your step!

Looky dat

2006-03-11T19:04:00.000-06:00

Fucking around on the web today and I found this blog which has to be read. It's written by this Saudi guy living in London and he just spends all his time ripping on the house of saud and all the islamofacists that dominate Islam today. Definitely check it out.

The post about the war to defend the honor of a female camel is priceless.

http://muttawa.blogspot.com

Slobo we hardly knew ye

2006-03-11T16:10:00.000-06:00

Today former Yugoslav president and war criminal Slobodan Milosevic was found dead in his cell at the Hague where he was standing trial for his role in the 1990's Balkan war.

It is tradition that when someone dies we speak well of them and mention their accomplishments and contributions to the human race. So for ol' Slobo...umm...it's around here somewhere...hold on a minute...still looking...looking...looking...not there...definitely not there...umm...yeah.

Anywhoo, moving on. So Slobo, when you get to where you're going tell Tim McVeigh and Hitler I said hi, and tell Mao I read the little red book and it was a real page turner. I should be joining you in about 20-25 years, (40 if I quit drinking). I put a little down payment on a plot of land on the lake of fire which is within easy commuting distance to the city of Dis. However there is a huge mansion going up in the neighborhood, getting ready for Cheney's arrival, and that is going to sent home values and tax rates all to hell. Sooo if you could peek in on that for me that would be great, thanks!

Drinkable art

2006-03-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

Great googly moogly, what the hell happened at the Milwaukee Art Museum last month, and why did the Journal-Sentinel have a coniption about it yesterday?

It appears that last month, to celebrate the opening of a new exhibit, the museum held a party where there was a $30 charge to get in and an all-you-can-drink martini bar. The result was that the sainted Caltrava addition became host for a frat party. Numerous people vomited in several places, some exhibits were damaged, and the coup de grace was 4 sloshed art patrons scaling a sculpture of a woman to touch the breasts. I join the high-minded people of this community in condemning these acts of lewd and boorish behavior, and furthermore...awww who am I kidding, why the fuck didn't I go? Now there will never be another one, shit!

Although the bacanalia happened on Feb. 11, the media in this town, in typical lightning fashion, got around to it yesterday. Spurred on by the predictable indignation from right-wing talker Charlie "Seig Heil" Sykes, the Journal-Sentinel exploded in an orgasm of coverage including a front page story, an editorial, 2 columns, and a full page talking about the martini, the history, the various types and even how to drink one. Yes my friends the Journal Sentinel was actually telling Milwaukeeans how to drink.

The coverage was overwhelmingly condecending and insulting talking about the unsophication of the city's residents, how a beer and brat, blue collar town could not handle high art and cotillian-like galas. So when did the local rag get taken over by a bunch of self-infatuated FIBs to begin with? I don't care where you are Milwaukee, New York, Paris, or frickin Antanarivo when you advertise "all you can drink" a certian crowd is gonna come out of the woodwork...with me in it.

Write the Journal-Sentinel and tell them to go fuck themselves, or better yet get tanked and go puke in the lobby. It's on the corner of 4'th and state, kitty corner from the Bradley center and convinently around the corner from McGillicuddy's. Cheers Milwaukee

Now where's a statue, I wanna go feel me some boobies!!!

Go with the flow

2006-02-28T20:46:00.000-06:00

In line at the local Osco over on Downer fetching tonight's gourmet extravaganza (It's not delivery it's DiGiorno's!) While in line I notice that the woman in front of me had the super value pack of tampons, and not one, not two, but three packs of maxi pads. Good times, good times. Definitely hide all the weapons over at that house. There has to be a rule somewhere that if you are buying over a certain amount of feminine hygiene products than you should not be allowed to buy any sharp implements.

I made sure to keep my distance.

Workin'

2006-02-27T15:52:00.001-06:00

Ok, so I'm supposed to be writing a lesson plan for my 504 class in 45 minutes, but Instead I'm posting over on A.net, and writing stupid shit here when I have nothing to say.

BTW, did you notice the new digs? I was getting tired of the orange, it's a blog not a 70's dream kitchen. I also redid the links over on the right. Instead of plugging sites which everybody already knows and visits I am going to use it to plug friend's blogs, If you know of one that I should be linking let me know.

Sooooooo, back to the lesson plan. Yep gonna write me a lesson plan about Africa for 8'th graders. Yep gonna put my nose to the grindstone now. Gonna do that real soon, like now, or maybe now. Less than 40 minutes to go, gotta get this shit done...now.

I wonder if there are any new responses on A.net?

I'mmm baaaaaaaaaack!!!!

2006-02-25T12:11:00.000-06:00

It has been an extremely long time since my last post here, remember those heady days of January '06? We were all freezing our asses off, the Bush administration was lying to us about a multitude of things, and the Democratic party didn't have a coherent message, my how things have changed. Actually the only really big thing is that Cheney shot a guy, becoming the first V.P. to shoot someone since Aaron frickin Burr...Way to get in the history books Dick!!

Actually the reason for my prolonged absence is that I started grad school full-time. That's right I am no longer cobbling together courses here and there to fix my woeful Marquette (ring out ahoya!!!) GPA, I am now an honest-to-god grad student going after my masters in education. Go me!

Needles to say that the work load has been frightening, especially in the writing department. I am writing an average of 3 papers a week so when it comes to putting things on my blog I am just spent. I mean come on, I'm not a machine baby!! Now that I've got things under control I am going to be posting here more often. So to all of you who continue to check back every day just to watch a frozen screen...thank you, and you shall now be rewarded.

And yes, the light in my kitchen is still out.

Holy holy holy

2006-01-29T15:37:00.000-06:00

The mold on my shower curtain has grown in such a manner as it now vaguely resembles the Virgin Mary. Who do I call? Is there an agent who handles things like this? How do I get the coverage that the grilled cheese sandwich got, or the spaghetti billboard that looked like Jesus? This is my ticket to early retirement, I need to do this right.

The best part about religious people is that they almost always have more money then common sense, but I don't want to throw the curtain up on eBay just yet. I'm thinking 15 bucks to get in, $25 to take a picture, and finally, the piece de restiance, for $50 you can take a leak while the mother of Christ watches you!

I may be going to hell, but I'm going there in my own yacht!!

Age of Aquarius

2006-01-21T11:53:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday. It's my birthday. Gonna party like it's my birthday! At 2:35 pm EST I officially turn the big 2-9, a small milestone but one year short of the big milestone. It is that milestone that I will never reach because I have reached an executive decision that this will be my last birthday. Next year at this time I will celebrate my return to 28. How will I pull it off? As of now I have no idea, but we are working tirelessly here at Murray Hill labs towards this end.

As for today there will be singing and dancing, and of course the requisite spontaneous demonstrations of joy from the peasantry. All while I celebrate Roman bacanalia style. Sobriety is not a priority for today.

So what do I want here on this glorious day? Well my birthday wishes are pretty simple: World peace, adoption by Bill Gates, a Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion, Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff naked, and mud 'rasslin here in le maison, and a World Series Championship for the Atlanta Braves. Some will be easier to achieve then others. Getting the Israelis and Palestinians to agree is nothing compared to getting the Bravos past the first round of the playoffs!

'Bout blody time

2006-01-20T18:03:00.000-06:00

3-5 inches expected tonight. This winter has been absurd thus far. We went straight from indian summer into a deep freeze, and for the last month or so we have basically moved on to spring.

But that ends tonight as once again the earth will be enclosed in a blanket of gentle white silence as it should be this time of year. There is something unmittigatingly ugly about bare ground in January. Brown lawns, bare trees and those unsightly piles of snow exiled to the corner of parking lots reminders of a lost season, long turned black by the exhaust of a million SUVs.

This is also good because one of the gifts I received when I went back to the Parental Estate for the holidays was an inflatable snow tube. Like any small child I have been fantasizing about taking it down the hill by the North Ave. water tower. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to do that.

Says it all

2006-01-17T01:30:00.000-06:00

Na na na na...

2006-01-12T14:28:00.000-06:00

I was awoken at 2:30 this AM by the sound of a tow truck. BTW, why is it that everyone with a diesel engine in Southeastern Wisconsin feels the need to idle beneath my bedroom window? Anyway the truck was there for the piece-of-shit Nissan driven by my upstairs neighbor Ryan. I thought about running upstairs to alert Ryan to this but his state-of-the art sound system has been pissing me off lately, plus two days ago I saw him by the mailboxes, I smiled politely and said hello but he ignored me. So I watched in full schadenfreudic glory as the driver removed the tickets from the windshield and hooked up the car. This is the beautiful thing about not believing in god, since there is no hell to be dammed to you can be a major asshole anytime you feel like it! Very liberating.

Plus, fucknuts upstairs is a Yankee fan. Those people deserve everything that comes to them.

Bra of mystery

2006-01-07T20:03:00.000-06:00

When snow and ice retreat they sometimes leave behind interesting things; cavemen, the Great Lakes, lingerie. Such was the case here in the greater Murray Hill, Lake Park, North Avenue, UWM metropolitan area when we were hit with a mid-winter thaw.

When the snow melted on the edge of the street across from le maison du Chipper it did not reveal any bodies of water nor any spear-holding hunters named Og. What it did reveal was a bra, a black bra, and one would assume a woman's bra but one cannot be 100% sure on that front. That bra has been there ever since. It shifts position occasionally, as it is run over several times a day, it has now drifted down the street closer to Stowell but it is still visible from my front window. Still plastered to the asphalt, with nobody willing to touch it.

Still many questions remain; whose bra is it? How did it get there? Why wasn't I watching when it happened?

Keeping score

2006-01-06T22:59:00.000-06:00

For those who are interested the light in my kitchen is still off. Laziness rules!!!

Everybody gets their kicks

2006-01-05T20:46:00.000-06:00

I love this story.

Sometimes there is so much bad news in the world that you just can't stomach it; war, corruption, the Republican party. But every now and then something pops up in the news and you can't help but smile, like this for example...

Over New Year's weekend the Disney World resort in Orlando hosted a soccer tournament for kids 13 and younger. Teams from all over the country converged on a Crowne Plaza hotel just outside the land of the mouse, but they were not the only large group booked during that period. A large swingers convention was also taking place at the same time. Now we all learn early on that its important to share, and sometimes in life you have to share a hotel with 200 swingers. Hey, those are the brakes.

Well sharing is a virtue that seemed to have been lost on many of the soccer moms and dads. Apparently many of the parents complained that there was a great deal of "immoral behavior" taking place at the hotel. Men and women were running around the public areas "flashing their breasts and exposing their buttocks" There were even reports of a large naked dance party taking place inside one of the hotel ballroms. One parent remarked "we expected to go to Orlando, not the Las Vegas strip." In all fairness you have to pay to watch that kind of behavior in Vegas. New Orleans used to provide you with those kinds of freebees, but nowadays the only thing that women on Burbon Street are exposing their breasts for are national guardsmen carrying extra MREs.

Getting back to the swinging soccer tourney, Where did Orlando get the rep for being such a clean town? It is in Florida after all, America's schlong. Plus after they get off the set all those Disney characters have got to blow off steam somehow. Take Donald for example, ignoring the whole no pants thing (hey, sometimes you just gotta be free) Donald is a sailor, and when he goes on shore leave...look out. Mickey and Minnie have been into S & M since the 40's, and Goofy...well the court papers are a matter of public record. Even Shamu, across town, has been known to get a dirty sanchez on occasion.

One interesting item in this is that all the complaints came from the parents, the kids seem to be silent on the subject. That is because no pree teen in their right mind would complain about a bunch of naked people running around. If you have a 13 year-old boy, and he is upset because someone is showing their tits...get him help.

Update

2006-01-04T00:06:00.000-06:00

For those of you that are counting the light in my kitchen is still burned out, but that did not stop me from baking a pizza in there tonight. I went so far as to check if here were any bulbs available here in le maison, there are.

In related news the left headlight on the Kimchee-Powered Love Machine has also gone out. But this will have a swift resolution, last night while waiting at a red light a cop pulled up beside me and said I needed to replace it. Desire not to get a ticket motivated me to stop by the NAPA on Capitol this evening where I purchased a new bulb, which will be installed post haste.

Explain this to me

2006-01-03T07:50:00.000-06:00

I think we're starting a rather long list here.

I watch a lot of TV, more specifically I watch a lot of basic cable, which means that I see a lot of bad commercials. None worse at the current moment then the incessant ads for the Kidz Bop CDs. If you are not familiar with the concept let me fill you in.

Kidz Bop is children singing top 40 songs...that's it. You are basically plunking down 20 bucks to listen to a bunch of 10 year-olds sing karaoke. Because to fully comprehend the angst and ennui that is contained in your average Green Day song you need to hear it sung by somebody who has yet to be visited by the pubic hair fairy.

The most distressing part about all this is that the version they keep hawking on my TV is Kidz Bop 8. Meaning that they made enough money on Kidz Bops 1-7 that they got the band back together for an eighth album. (in all fairness I heard that the European tour was bitchin') This of course naturally begs the question...WHO THE FUCK IS BUYING ALL THIS CRAP?!?

I have a bold proposal to make, a proposal that will change the way we see and handle money. We start with mandatory IQ tests for every man woman and child in this country, and if you score below a pre-determined cutoff point then you get a special kind of money, Dumb People Dollars or DPD. We are talking about a whole new currency with new designs and everything. And the first face that we're putting on the DPD is that mongoloid teenager from Florida (they're always from Florida) who thought it would be fun to go to Iraq! I hereby declare Farris Hassan to be the George Washington of the retards.

I digress, DPDs would have the same value as regular dollars execpt that when they are handed over to somebody of normal intelligence they automatically lose half their value (I'm not sure how this could be pulled off, we're still working out the kinks here at Murray Hill Labs) The result of this would be that the sheer amount of crap marketed to dumb people would plummet. No more Kidz Bop, no more Ronco, no more home hair cutting devices, and no more of anything endorsed by Anna Nicole Smith. We would have peace in our time.

The DPD is the future of commerce in this country, so get behind it. Call your congressman, make it a reality, stop the bloody Kidz Bop commercials!!

Swing and a miss from Leines

2006-01-02T15:16:00.000-06:00

From time to time I need to have things explained to me. Cricket, for example. But no matter how much earnest people try to pour knowledge into my special ed. brain, I continue to fail to grasp major concepts (see cricket again)

Another prime example of this would be Leinenkugels apple spice beer, I don't get it. Now I am normally a BIG fan of everything that comes out of Chippewa Falls, but I have tried this apple spice stuff and I am, to say the least, underwhelmed. Adding to my confusion is the fact that everyone I run into is raving about it. This is not the first time I have been on the outside looking in on major trends in pop culture. It has now been years since it disappeared from the screen, and I still do not see what was so great about the X Files.

I don't get it. I like beer (duh) and I like apple pie, so why does this taste like Dick's grandmother threw up into a bottle?